Some days, missing my kid feels like a kick in the heart area with a steel toe boot. I’m still unsettled after the drama from the weekend so today I wrote her a letter. I’m also writing this blog in hopes she might want to read what her ol mom has been up to some day… If i ever find out why she stopped talking to me, i’ll write it right here…
You may need some context to understand this letter.
Summed up:
-My daughter quit speaking to me a year ago
-I had an abusive ex 15 years-ish ago, who we will call Jack with a messed up daughter we call Anne (same age as my daughter)
-My Dad & me have a complicated relationship & his dementia has spun me for a loop…
-I love dogs more that most people & I had lost 3 dogs with in a year-it was devastating
I used letters in place of names for this blog…
-Y=My Daughter
-X=My daughter’s baby daddy
-O=My grandson
-S&B=those lil bitches
-L=those lil bitches mother
-J=my fella
-Q=My fellas son (what a trip he was)
-Did I mention I have a grandson & my daughters pregnant with a girl?
Well… here’s the letter…
Dear Y,
It’s been a year.
I am writing you this letter because you refuse to communicate with me. It’s childish on your part & frustrating on my part to be cut off without reason. S & B always have your attention & the way they behaved after a recent drag show we all attended is not ok. We were all there & I was perfectly fine not speaking to them, enjoyed an awesome show, which is what we were all there for. I had some laughs with friends & then for some reason S decided to start yelling at me & flipping me off while I was saying goodnight to some people in the parking lot. At first I walked away, I left, I actually went home, then I thought to myself ‘when will i ever get the chance to have a mature grown up conversation with these two’, so, I went back. A mature conversation does not seem to be a possibility with anyone. I had reached out to B a couple times before to try and ask how you were doing and she just comes at me like a snotty chihuahua & I got more frustrated so I stopped trying. I reached out to L because she’s a mother who should know how much it hurts not to see your daughter,expecting some kind of empathy & I kept getting blindsided. I asked L to talk to B about some of the things shes said & L laughed at me. I mean, B used to run up, hug me & call me Mom… WTF. But, at least I know in my heart I didn’t raise someone that disrespectful. I miss you like crazy & all that hurt just spilled over in the parking lot, but they don’t give a shit, just drama. Stir it where they can… I don’t know what they thought they would accomplish by starting things with me. Anyway, point is, It’s a small town, we’re probably going to run into each other & if people want to swear at me & yell at me & flip me off & make a scene, I can’t promise it’ll end well & I know it just makes things worse for you. They should know better, but they don’t & I’m quite happy to pretend I don’t know them.
It’s hard not to be sad when there’s reminders everywhere & I cannot wait until I can sell the house and get gone. I think about you every day. It hurts like a gut punch some days. There’s moments I want to just shoot a text but can’t. I started to think I imagined how close we used to be but some good, real friends, reminded me it was real & awesome & i’m blessed to have a few good people around me, i’m grateful for it. I thought you & I could maybe exchange a few silly dm’s over time as an ice breaker. For me, it was a great nineteen years being your mom, no matter how much I screwed up (a lot, i’m aware), & how much I miss you now. I’ve chalked up losing a relationship with you to some bad karma & all i can say is i hope your kids never do this to you. I figure I am being punished for my behaviour in my 20s & making you live with Jack for those 2 years. I’ve made a ton of mistakes but have no problems apologizing for them, owning up to them, talking about them & learning from them. Everyone makes mistakes, all you can do is own them & give yourself gracefor things you did before you knew better. Accountability & Honesty is everything. Your Dad told me that Anne was touching you inappropriately & with out being able to talk to you about these things there is not much that I can do other than let you know, i’m open to communication with you anytime. I knew Anne had her own issues using masturbation as a distraction from stress but I had no idea she had done anything to you and I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t tell me if she did. I never meant to hurt you or put my emotional baggage on you. I was honestly so stupid that I thought I could shield you from Jack’s crazy… I would look at Anne’s Mom & some of your other friends’ crackhead moms & think wasn’t doing such a bad job & I guess it was the excuse. I was also so stupid that I thought I needed a man, any man, it was just drilled into me from a young age that you should have one… so stupid… I was much older before I realized how stupid that was, Also, i kind of thought you knew that one…
I did the best I could to keep the door open to your dad & step mom & family. I never got help or support from anyone other than Grandma & she was dealing with her own demons. I tried to co-parent, we weren’t good at it, no one saw me drowning & I pretended I wasn’t so why would they…. I feel like I never got to show up fully as a mother. After all, I had bills to pay, I had to work, sometimes two jobs, it wasn’t fair. There’s a pretty good chance I probably shouldn’t have been a mom but I’m still grateful I got you & I think we had some pretty great times! I’m glad I never missed a school play or piano recital & I made it to every riding lesson I could but I wish I could’ve just been there more. I’m grateful for every movie night, road trip & middle of the night rain stomps & gym time, dinners at grandmas & wrestling like sisters. I even loved it every time you rolled your eyes at me… I always communicated with your dads family about what was going on in your life & I never kept your Dad from you ever although he blames me for doing so. One thing I have never budged on was thinking that you needed a relationship with your dad & his family. I pushed for that & now you have one so I guess that’s a win. The more people who love your children, the better!
I was just starting to feel like I could relax a little bit after you graduated & started college. I felt in my gut like things were going side ways the morning I picked you up from X’s, I just knew something was different. But, I still liked X when I first met him, I don’t anymore & I got nothing to lose so I’m not going to pretend I do. I know chaos & I know where he comes from. Before him, I had a daughter & within a year, you were pregnant, had a son & then gone. I don’t blame him, I don’t know what you’ve told him or why. All I know for sure is, by the time X came along, my ‘cup was empty’ as they say & now I know too much. & It’s not a secret, I was not happy when you got pregnant, I wanted you to have some fun & some care free days & get to know yourself before becoming a mom. Sometimes things happen in life you don’t ask for & you’re never the same. I wanted to help, but I couldn’t, I was exhausted & had nothing to give. With Grandpa & his Dementia & the loss of Dog 1, then Dog 2 then Dog 3 & Q coming to live with us. Also, people are allowed space to grieve for what they wanted for their children. But when O was born & of course I fell in love with him, & now he’s gone too. At this point, I’m not sure I’d survive getting cut off from another grandbaby like that. It took me 6 months after you stopped talking to me to get out of bed to do anything other than the basics. J is one patient man. The last time you & I exchanged words was the day you came and cleared out the shed, & I should’ve of known…
Asking you to go to your Dad’s to live with X, O & your dog was not an easy choice but seems to have worked out for the best, it wasn’t intended as a punishment. I know you were mad, but I didn’t expect to be shunned. You just don’t cut people you love for a whole year. I completely understand needing space, I mean ya, take time, of course, but I thought we’d work it out… Anyway, the reason you cut me off no longer matters. You win. I’m sure you’ll be upset about some things in this letter. I don’t understand how you can go from speaking everyday to someone you love and then just nothing. It just made no sense to me. It’s been a spiral of losses & the reason you are pretending I don’t exist, no longer matters. I respect your boundaries & so, you win, I’m letting it go. You can stop telling people I cut you off, because we know that’s not the truth. & also, it’s still ridiculous I’d have to speak to my own child through her boyfriend, (you’ll understand that one when your kids are bigger & someone comes between you). I’m not angry anymore, Just finished, I won’t reach out anymore because you don’t care or can’t care & that’s ok kid. Closure is not a gift we’re always granted. But if you choose to reach out some day, I’m open to communication with you.
I hope you’re having the best time as a mom! I hope O is thriving, your pregnancy is going smooth and you keep in touch with your Grandma. I won’t bother to ask her how you are because it puts Grandma in a weird spot. Again though, it a small town & I get unsolicited updates anyways…
Loving someone unconditionally doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be able to tell them when they are wrong or hurting you, if you have to tip toe around feelings like you’re on eggshells, something needs to change. Everything between us at this point is hearsay & gossip & even though I’ve heard you think I don’t, I do love you unconditionally. Every mother wishes their children do better than they did & I wish that for you with my whole heart.
Again, Please tell your friends to take a page out of your book & if they see me in public, pretend I don’t exist.
Holly's Not Real 
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