Love from the Unloved… Log #16

I can’t even explain the helpless feeling you get watching your daughter make those choices you can’t stop.

They don’t hear you.

She’s chosen an entire support system that is everything I feared. They encourage the toxic behaviour that brought us all together 20 years ago. I changed & they did not. My daughter’s dad never owned up to anything a day in his life. He never said he was sorry for being the 21 year boy old who picked up the 15 year old girl. No matter how hard I tried to co-parent & encourage my kid to have a relationship with her dad all he ever did was play the blame game. He was never there for her when she was school age or younger & he blames me for that. If he didn’t get his way he would get mad and act like I was trying to ruin his life instead of thinking ‘maybe she’s doing this for our kid’.

The truth is my door was wide open to him & his family and I kept them informed of everything, school, health, all of it. My daughter got salmonella once and i stayed in the hospital with her for twelve days, he showed up for a solid twenty minutes (actually still bitter about that one). I was so open with my daughter about how toxic I was when she was a baby & the changes I made & the relentless apologies… so, yes, it is amazing to me that my daughter is behaving just like her father. Acting like a victim & making people feel sorry for her by painting me as some kind of villain…

It’s numbing.

I used to believe that kids need to know both their parents but lately all I feeI is bitterness and regret for pushing her to have a relationship with her Father… None of them would be doing the same for me…

I’ve been having a real pitty party for myself lately. I have no blood, no tribe. I’ve always felt somewhat alone, & accepted that. My biological mother gave me up for adoption & I suppose she had valid reasons. We are kind of in touch now, but not in a mother-daughter situation. My biological daughter doesn’t speak to me & she’s cut me off from the grand kids…

I love my adopted family, but they are co-dependant. I feel like i have been de-escalating my family since childhood. I developed a strong sense of humour & it’s been a great defence mechanism for a very long time. Lately, my family feels like a lot of work. But, I’ve been taking care of them for as long as i can remember & I won’t stop any time soon.

My Mom has decided to move away. My Mom is 78 & my brother lives with her. My brother is 42 but mentally about thirteen & this has thrown him into a spiral. I need to find somewhere for him to live so i’m trying to get help from community housing and that is not easy. I also need to line up a realtor & lawyer & banker & pack Mom’s house & move her ten hours away…

I feel guilty for craving an unshakeable blood bond. I know my adopted Mom wants this for me & with me but it’s hard when we are so different. I see these kind of relationships in people around me & some days I get a little jealous. I am strong & independent but I wonder sometimes if it’s only because I’ve always had to be. I can always fall back on me. I am my own security. But some days I wonder what it would feel like to have that bond & support, that feeling of knowing someone can carry the load once in awhile.

I love them all but I feel unloved.

I’m tired.