Holly's Not Real

Category: Uncategorized

  • The System is Failing… Log #25

    I am physically nauseous about the state of the world… Everyday I know that I’m blessed to have food in the fridge & a roof over my head & believe me when I say I am aware of situation in America & I know people have it so much worse… It shouldn’t matter is you are Liberal or Conservative, Vegan or Carnivore, Hunter or Hippie, It seems simple to me that in 2026, with all the education and communication that the one common goal should be Balance. It’s not the early 1900’s anymore, the borders are made, the time for world domination is over… get a grip…

    But today, I’m having a pity party for myself, it’s about me & how the system is failing me… The system we were sold on from middle school is failing me… How to find security in the system… Graduate, get a job, buy a house… I did all that…

    Banks… I recently figured out why the banks sold us on that system when I received my mortgage statement, which I actually took the time to look at this year… I know that it’s sad it took so long, but when you’re in ‘survival mode’, you just go with the scheduled programing. I trusted it, it’s the way of things right… Anyway, point is, I have a very small mortgage & the bank collected $13,000 for themselves in interest & $5000 went to my principal balance in 2025. What are they doing with my money…? Owning a home with the bank is swell…

    Taxes… I’ve paid taxes, a lot of taxes, all the taxes! As I’ve previously written, i take care of my Dad who has Dementia & has suffered 2 heart attacks in the last couple of years. Employment insurance declined my claim after the 1st heart attack (6 months after I applied, short staffing etc etc) because the doctor missed a box, literally, that’s not an exaggeration, they wanted me to go back after 6 months and have the doctor tick the box, it didn’t matter that it said ‘heart attack’ & ‘myocardial infarction’ on the paperwork… the box was not ticked! By then, that doctor had moved on and I was back to work & didn’t have the energy for the fight to get the box ticked, I’d already cashed out my RRSP’s & ESOP’s to make ends meet at home & pay the bank their interest and at this point I was back to work.

    Healthcare… Not only did the EI system fail me, the healthcare system is a sinking ship as well. Funny story… the healthcare scheduling department accidentally ‘discharged’ my Dads homecare because I cancelled too many appointments when I was home full time with him. I didn’t know that was a thing, no notice, no letter in the mail… So I called to schedule some home support after I’d finally found a job that was willing to work with my situation and help a gal out (some people are a blessing), but surprise, home support was cancelled… Anyway, six phone calls later, they start the process over… Six… Can they not see my Dads file? I mean, each one of those departments asked the same questions, & by the way, none of them have any experience with dementia patients. Re-did his paperwork, re-told his story, wasted an abundance of time & finally got him back in the system for home support services. Side note: They won’t send the same care worker for each visit cuz, well, they just don’t do it that way… I’m sorry but, if a stranger kept coming to my house, it’d be hard enough, but it’s about 1000 times harder for someone with dementia who’s confused af already!

    Education system… also failing… not exactly relevant for me right now, just sayin.

    When calculated, between banks & taxes, I get about 14% of my money… I won’t blame anyone for my credit card debt, me bad… but that is included in the equation. 14%. Meaning 86% goes to banks & governments that are failing miserably… Maybe if some more of that went to education, the systems wouldn’t be failing so miserably…

    So, personally, Banks, Taxes & healthcare are failing me. Now, I want to be a proud Canadian, I really do, but every system is failing me. If I hear one more whiney Conservative who’s bank account is in the black whine about liberals, I might punch them in the face… it was just as bad under them. Unless you have generational wealth, you’re probably not going to make it… I have no faith in any stem of the government at this point… Literally physically nauseous…

    I’m tired, I don’t want a new career I’m going to hate, I don’t want to find passive income, I just need a rest… I can’t afford to rest. My house is falling apart, my Dad is getting worse, I’m trying to balance it all & it’s just too much…

  • Dementia log … #24

    My Dad woke up looking for my mom this morning, they’ve been divorced at least 10 years… I am having an emotional response and I am not enjoying this…

    That is all…

  • Dad… Log #23

    The old man is extra spicy today…

    It was really long past due for Dad to have a shower or bath. Things were getting pretty gross. Clothes needed washing, he’d been wearing the same things for 2 weeks & fights when I mention he change outfits. I got out of bed & did the usual morning routine. Gave him some juice to take his meds, a fresh coffee & fed him some breakfast with an ensure to wash it down. I usually get attitude when I do these things, doesn’t really bother me, no one can do anything right in the eyes of my Dad anyways so I’m pretty passive, eat it, don’t, whatever…

    It really is time & long overdue, so the shower/bath fight begins…

    I say “would you like a shower or bath today?”

    Dad “I showered yesterday” …

    Me: “ok, well, your pants are very dirty so lets get them in the laundry”

    Him: “Fuck off, (insert other swears & insults) my clothes are fine” *Slams door in my face*

    I proceed to run the bath & open the door…

    Me: “Baths getting cold, better get in”

    Dad: “I’ll bath when I fucking want too, I have my own life, fuck off, fuck you, etc, etc”

    Me: “Yup, you need to change your clothes, you smell”

    Dad: “Fuck you, you fucking stink, you shower”

    Me: *Suppresses laughter*

    Dad starts to change his clothes which is quite a process, the belt with all the knick knacks need to be played with and adjusted taken off, put on, assessed and re-assed & repeat. Then he goes to put the clean pants on, I stop him & I say “after the bath”

    Dad: ” Fuck you, etc, etc, etc…” slams door in my face…

    Me: Opens door again ” ok, get in the tub”

    Dad: “where?”

    Me: “Across the hall, throw your ginch out into the hall”

    Dad: more beligerance… throws ginch out in hall & gets in tub…

    I proceed to put the soiled, smelly clothes in the wash & lay out fresh pants, tshirt, sweater, underwear, socks… let Dad know i’ll be nearby if he needs anything… 20 minutes goes by… Guess who doesn’t want to get out of the tub??? 3 hours later, Dad is bathed & in clean clothes…

    It’s going to be on my mind most likely for awhile & Dad is just onto the next thing like he wasn’t a complete asshole this morning, he doesn’t even remember having a bath now. I guess this is why I don’t respond with any kind of attitude or tell him to go fuck himself because really, he doesn’t even remember 10 minutes later. He plunks down in front of the TV & it’s like that entire morning never even happened. I keep trying to explain to my family why it doesn’t really bother me. It takes a lot to keep after elderly people like my Dad, but yelling back or losing my temper with someone with dementia is like throwing a cooked noodle at a dart board…

    The day goes on… I take Dad for lunch…

    Dad likes to order ‘Fish & Chips, No Chips’. The waitress brings his plate & guess what, the chips are there, Dad gets mad at the waitress… My very patient spouse tries explaining to Dad it’s the same price… Dad doesn’t get it… I decide to ask her to just bring a separate plate to put the fries on so I can eat them, which re-directs Dad’s assholery towards me instead of the young lady… Dad grabs the ketchup and I say “don’t put ketchup on the fries you don’t want” & Dad proceeds to put ketchup on them because I have an attitude problem & proceeds to belittle and insult me while dousing food in ketchup… Then, that mother fucker eats the fries!!!!

    After that lovely lunch, I take Dad for a drive with my dogs & we just drove along like he hadn’t been a complete Jack ass while I secretly considered shoving him into a snowbank & driving away……. Don’t worry… I didn’t.

    We’re back home, Dads in front of the TV again requesting I bring a beverage to him while he shows me his empty glass, empty coffee mug & empty Pepsi bottle. Yes, I see those are empty. So, I’ll oblige of course & patiently go get him some juice… Am I strongly considering serving him ice covered in ketchup? I just might…..

  • My Patience has run out … Log #22

    I say things out loud now & then. Sometimes people consider those words rude, I don’t always think it ‘s rude, but my thoughts have been known to offend. I often feel like I’m just stating the obvious, but I guess, it’s not so obvious always… I’m not a sensitive person, but people are sensitive… I’ve been labeled ‘the person who says what everyone is thinking’ more than once. From that experience, I’ve kind of curbed the things I say out loud just to keep out of the spotlight & try not to offend anyone. I’ve been trying to recognize how other people might see things or sympathize with others situations. But lately, that feeling of wonderment for what people might think about the things i keep to myself has been sneaking up on me…

    I tend to be very aware of my surroundings. I know who’s around me & where all the escape routes are, I pick out safety hazards & am always trying to prevent unnecessary difficulties…I’m good at de-escalating situations if I want to. I can recognize a bully from miles away & will put myself between a bully & others who may need a buffer. My mind naturally finds the fastest route from A to B, I like things uncomplicated, disaster prevention is just how I operate. Never intending complicate the uncomplicated… I problem solve & get confused when people want to ‘piss around’. Watching my Dad lose the ability to bully has actually made me a little bit sad at times. He’s so lost without the ability to intimidate…

    The mean thing i thought today… I wonder if I will realize when I’m not helpful anymore & just hindering situations. This thought has come up at work & with my Dad…

    I work a casual warehouse job & I don’t say much about the process, mostly because I’m casual & I don’t really care… I tend to have patience for co-workers & new staff because, they’re learning, I get it, not everyone’s thought process is like mine, life experience has humbled me… & I usually have the time to sit back and watch them add hours to my paycheck. I don’t like to watch people struggle but I also feel like people learn better when they figure things out for themselves, so, I will offer help, but I also wait for people to ask because I don’t want to embarrass anyone, so, there’s a chance I overthink this… But, lately, I find myself digging deep for patience when people are slowing things down, I’m actually grinding my teeth to keep from shoving people out of my way to do things myself. Have you ever worked for managers who just hinder the process?? I worry when I’m not at home with my Dad & I want things to move along relatively quickly but I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings (management or not)…… Frustration Maximum!

    The place I work has been taken over by new owners & it’s the classic workplace tug-o-war between new owners & old management. I’ve seen enough company buy outs to recognize the signs. I was actually kind of impressed the new owners were interested in learning the process & asking questions, but old management has fought them the entire way… they’re discussing staging a walk out & I think possibly actively sabotaging & slowing things down… I’m grateful to ‘old management’ as they have let me work casual shifts & been understanding when I have to leave because of Dad. I just can’t wrap my head around this new drama… Obviously they must feel threatened right? I genuinely feel like the new owners want to be helpful. I just don’t think ‘old management’ understands that a lot of the current staff wanted some things to change & it’ll be a pretty lonely walk out… They haven’t exactly been the best listeners & they definitely don’t like to hear any suggestions. In fact, if you’re not ‘in the family’ they don’t care much for your thoughts…

    ‘Old management’ decided to head out on vacation during the busiest time of year… leaving everyone hanging. During this vacation, her son-in-law got fired by new management. What a show! Jerry Macquire style exit scene… had there been a gold fish… it would have went with him for sure… excellent… The ‘family’ is fired up! I am highly anticipating the return of old management.

    Then I get home & I have so much to do & my Dad wants to help…. It annoys me that he doesn’t ask if I need help, just kind of “helps”. Which is weird because when he was functioning and cognitive, he certainly didn’t want to help…. Anyway, he slows things down a lot & again my mind wanders off to thoughts like “will i realize when I’m in the way?” I don’t know when I started feeling annoyed like this. Normally, I like to tire Dad out with activities, I wait patiently while he does tasks & then fix it when he’s not looking. Every garbage day is the same. I take the bins out, he brings them in still full, so, soon as he’s not looking, I run them back out. Or, if he doesn’t bring them in, he turns them around the wrong way so the truck arm can’t grab them & proceeds to explain to me that they have to go that way for the truck to pick them up…so, i wait until he’s not looking &I run out & turn them around the right way… Normally, I just do these things without feeling, often laughing really. Maybe my lack of patience is a holiday seasonal problem type thing…

    I don’t like feeling this impatient at work and at home… will be doing some reflection…

  • Dementia with Dad, things are gettin weird… Log #21

    I compare the situation with have a toddler going through terrible two’s… My Dad is going through the terrible 80’s. It’s heartbreaking & hilarious all at the same time…

    My Dad can’t sit still some days, he wanders off & fidgets with things that may be considered dangerous. I feel like I have to be constantly watching out for his safety… it’s pretty tiring. You can’t treat your own parent like a toddler…

    It’s interesting when my Dad talks to me about me. For instance, to keep dad busy we go for drives with the dogs & they run along beside the car and dad loves it & he looks for deer & watches the dogs run around… yesterday at lunch, he proceeded to tell me about the nice lady he runs dogs with and how fun it is… at least I’m a nice lady…

    We bought a used jeep a week ago & Dad & I drove it out the highway to take my dog to daycare & the jeep started doing the ‘death wobble’. It scared the crap out of Dad & he was hanging on for dear life. He then tells me about ‘him & this guy’ who had to drop off the vehicle because they went for a drive and the vehicle started shaking like crazy! So, in that scenario, I’d be the guy…

    Myself & my sister have now both gotten in big trouble for stopping at red lights… apparently Red means go in Dads mind & we’re supposed to just keep on driving… My partner & I have both gotten scolded for using the door… we’ve discussed it, it really is the only way to enter & exit the house. He is waited on hand & foot, but complains about the food, he gets mad sometimes because he wants more pills than i give him… what do you do when it’s your Dad? I can’t send him to his room… I continue to be patient & repeat myself. I don’t argue or correct him as advised by the dementia internet research.

    The logic & common sense have evaporated.

    I think about how mean my Dad would be to my brother if my brother did some of the things my Dad has been doing lately, it’s an interesting kind of karma. It would serve no purpose to be cruel, but to see him deteriorate this way is it’s own form of punishment i suppose.

    We all start to deteriorate in one way or another around late 30’s / early 40s. Technically, based on statistics, 40 is over the hill. Other seniors stay sharp until the end. Dementia & Alzheimer’s are a deterioration of certain parts of the brain & it’s a different kind of demon…

  • What Grinds my Gears… Today anyway… Log #20

    My Biggest pet peeve, humans who complicate uncomplicated situations.

    & loud mouthy breathers…

    Example: Lawyers… lawyers convince people to plead guilty to things they are not guilty for to get a lesser punishment for the thing they didn’t do… and not guilty to things they did do because, well, they have money & can afford the expensive lawyer… It’s BullShit…Bless the humans who uncomplicate complicated situations… you’re my people. Although, there seems to be more complicators than uncomplicators…

    I have been de-escalating my family since the day I popped out of the womb. They are complicators. Well, technically it started 2 weeks later when i was picked up by my adopted family. As an adopted human, I’ve been wondering if other adopted people sometimes just get mad at their biologicals for leaving them with the crazy family they were adopted by.

    Today I thought to myself “I’m so glad I have good genes from my bio folks or I may never have survived my crazy co-dependant loved ones”… no? just me? ok… I am nothing like anyone I was raised by… I think I’ve spent a lot of time looking for similarities in strangers, facial features, thoughts, mannerisms… I still do it, although I’ve met my birth mom, i will never meet my bio Dad… I have been so afraid to accidentally date a sibling!! for real…

    Some days, I can get pretty darn petty… My birth mom was too young to have me and I understand that, but her parents were rich! & they gave me to the trailer park people! They sent me to the alcoholic father (35 years sober) with the insecure, mentally abused wife… I mean, the trailer park people clothed me & fed me & my mother loved us unconditionally & what not… & growing up near the ocean was amazing… However, I am ready to be a Nepo baby!! I’ve been humbled ok, a lot, I’ve struggled & am still working really hard & I’ve decided… I want to have been born into money, lot’s of it, and be ignorant to the suffering of others and be handed everything! I’m ready! Gimme…

  • Dementia Dad, he complains… Log #19

    He complains… He complains about his meds, he complains about his doctor, he complains about the water, he complains about the weather, he complains about the tv remote, he complains about the bath tub & would like to file a formal complaint as the bathtub isn’t big enough to cover his head & his feet at the same time, he complains about the temperature of the bath as the water doesn’t stay hot the entire time, why does he have to add more hot water???… he complains because I wash his clothes & make him clean his dentures, he complains about the meals cooked & served to him at least three times daily…

    My dad was a classic narcissist. I’ve been digging deep lately & trying to dig up a memory of my Dad being happy… I can’t.

    He was always this presence, but I felt like he never wanted to be there… but he loved us kids, I think… why else would I do all of this? Right?

    My Dad has had 2 heart attacks now & he is living with me full time. He doesn’t think he had any heart attacks & brining it up can cause quite a stir, so, because the health care system feels like he is still cognitive enough to not have the extra care, I keep after his medication & his Dr. appointments and he complains… His hemoglobin is continuously dropping and therefore we do routine follow up blood work… He complains about the food & he complains about his meds & he complains about the weather, he complains about the bath tub & would like to file a formal complaint as the bathtub isn’t big enough to cover his head & his feet at the same time… he complains because I wash his clothes & make him clean his dentures, he complains about the meal cooked for him…

    Wednesday… Dr’s orders… blood work… we head for the lab & take a number, take a seat & the wait begins. Every time a health care worker walks by, Dad stands up, they ask him to wait his turn, Dad sits down, health care worker walks by, Dad stands up, Dad sits down, Health care worker calls other patients, Dad gets mad, Dad gets mad someone is called before him, Dad stands up and heads toward room, Dad sits down, Dad gets mad a person dropping off samples, Dad stands up & heads to room, gets turned around Dad sits down, health care worker calls patient, Dad swears at large burly man going in before him, Dad stands up and heads toward room, Dad gets turned around & sits down….Repeat…. 3 hours later….. we go to get Dads prescriptions, they are wrong… time to go to work…

    Thursday… Getting ready for work… Dr. calls “Get Dad to the clinic right how, he needs pre-blood work for a transfusion at 7:30 Friday morning” … We head to the lab… health care worker walks by, Dad stands up, they ask him to wait his turn, Dad sits down, health care worker walks by, Dad stands up, Dad sits down, Health care worker calls other patients, Dad gets mad, Dad gets mad someone is called before him, Dad stands up and heads toward room, Dad sits down, Dad gets mad a person dropping off samples, Dad stands up & heads to room, gets turned around Dad sits down, health care worker calls patient, an interesting twist, today, Dad is racist, “why can’t the ‘chink’ take my blood, why can’t the black broad” take my blood Dad stands up and heads toward room, Dad gets turned around & sits down….Repeat…. 3 hours later……. time to go to work…

    Friday… Transfusion day… Dad takes his jacket off & gets IV… Dad puts jacket back on & sits down, Dad takes jacket off… They take vitals, Dad puts jacket on, sits down, takes jack off, stands up & tries to hang his jacket, pulls blood cord and spills coffee, Dad sits down & wants jacket back on… Dad stands up, turns to the left and wraps the blood cord around himself, Dad takes jacket off, Dad puts jacket on… Jacket on, jacket off, tangles cord, jacket on, jacket off, tangles cord, jacket on, jacket off, tangles cord, jacket on, jacket off, tangles cord…Repeat… 5 hours later… time to go to work…

    complains about dinner…

    Good night.

  • My Daughter’s Birthday…Log #18

    I still haven’t had any contact with my daughter since she slammed the door in my face… other than that interesting day, it’s been over a year… the time line is kind of blending at this point & life continues on. But some days, it hits hard, yesterday she turned 21.

    I never ever would’ve imagined not having a relationship with my one and only offspring ever, I felt like we were always in sync & I can’t force the relationship, but I did send a few birthday gifts and write a letter, mostly small talk of course with an IOU for Vegas because that was the plan for her 21st… obviously. The good news is, she did respond to a Happy Birthday text from my partner, so, yay! Felt like a teeny tiny win…

    She’s also had a baby baby girl which I’ve yet to meet. A beautiful baby girl that, from photos, looks EXACTLY like she did. Her stepmom is still doing her best to keep me in the loop… Thanks step-baby-momma…

    I’ve been given some odd advice over time, well, advice I felt was odd… The one that sticks out the most was from My daughters partners mother. She told me, in no uncertain terms, find out what you did wrong and apologize. The word ‘YOU’ stuck… because I did, I attempted contact, communication, apologies, texts, calls, letters… you name it. So after feeling like everything was my fault for a very long time, i had an epiphany… what if, her son, is a twatwaffle? the regurgitated shit that comes from a fly?… a jizz bubble that should’ve been swallowed? But also, what if he’s that guy who’s so insecure he tries to eliminate other loving relationships his spouse has?? & my daughters so young, still learning, still insecure, that she buys it…

    I mean the boy comes by it honestly, being raised to believe he can do no wrong. The kid has been accountable for nothing & his mother has manipulated all 4 of her children to think their dads are the devil, well, I met the Dad & I’ll tell ya, he put up a good fight against the toxic mother, & he was definitely not the problem… He is proof that a sundress on a hot summer day can definitely ruin a mans life… (apologies, off-track, the alienated father is not todays topic, the alienated grandmother is)… I’m blessed to have constant reassurance from friends & family reminding me how close my daughter and i were & that those babies are missing out on an awesome grandmother experience…

    The situation reminds me of a fella I dated when I was young who used interesting tactics to alienate me from my closest friends and family… I’m starting to think that little boy, the baby-daddy of my grandchildren, this ‘fiancé’ of my daughter, sees me as competition & is doing things to manipulate my daughter out of my life… & frankly, I like it. Because if the day comes where she wants to escape this ‘Man’, I will be more than happy to punch back…

    It’s a lot of what if’s, but if I’m right, be ready for the I told ya’ll journal entry cuz, it’ll be a good one…

    … With that said… something I’ve never ever budged on is the belief kids need to know both of their parents, therefore, the timeline for his suffering is to be determined…

    Peace, love, light, Karma… Bitches!

  • Lost for a few minutes… Log #17

    Good Afternoon …

    I haven’t vented since July, I locked myself out of my laptop… I am technology challenged but can type 120 WPM, however, that’s only on an actual keyboard so it’s kind of irrelevant now… Fuck 2 factor authentication… could people please just stop stealing, thanks.

    I’ve spent the last couple of months rescuing dogs, what an awesome August & September…

    That has come to a screeching halt since dementia Dad had a heart attack… FYI, care for people with Dementia is awful… The advice from social workers & ‘transition liaisons’ is stupid. I’ve actually been told that he needs to ‘fail’ a few times at home in order to get him bumped up to assisted living, which literally means injury to himself or injury to another person. I’ve told them he’s had outbursts at his girlfriend, he hides knives around the house because he’s paranoid, he’s lost money, like a lot… He had a heart attack caused by anemia because he didn’t feed himself and over took pain killers which some random E.R. doctor prescribed even though it’s all over his file he shouldn’t have any kind of extra strength pain killers or opioids because it was part of the issue with his 1st heart attack, but, you know, reading is tough for doctors. Here is what I can tell you…

    The medical staff really is doing the best they can. In fact, they have no staff. Why, medical professionals can’t make enough money to pay the rent, as I’ve journal-ed before, money math is super tough for our government… The staff they do have are inexperienced with dementia patients & well, a lot of the staff, I wouldn’t trust to tie their own shoes, bless their hearts… I explained to multiple nurses & care aids, as did my sister, that he’s not going to the bathroom and he can’t remember when he went but he will just tell you he went…. So, what do they do? Oh, they ask him when he went, he says 5 minutes ago & they take his word for it & theeeeeen he gets so constipated when they give him a laxative finally he shits for 4 hours straight & then proceed to tell us he has an inflamed bowel……. well, no shit….

    My Dad’s girlfriend decided he can’t stay with her anymore which is fair, she has her own health issues. He’d been staying there for basically the last 2 years but has his own In’law suite in my home. However, while she is deciding this & Dad is being released from the hospital, my suite has a water leak & I have to move Dad upstairs with me… My Dad has been home with me for 2 days now & doesn’t even really know where he is…

    The social workers, case managers, doctors, nurses & everyone I can think of has this information, So, the next piece of advice from these people was to get him to sign a power of attorney… He failed their special memory test… twice… But somehow they determine he’s cognitive enough for certain things… Um, he can’t feed himself, or tell you where he is, but ya, get him to sign legal documents, ok… It may be my Dads own fault for not making plans in the end of life department, however, I’m not getting him to sign a legal document because well, I’m not a greasy slimy sneaky person…

    Home care will be visiting today, i’m very excited…

    I’m spiraling, my mind is spinning, & what the actual fuck!!

    It’s a sin…

  • Love from the Unloved… Log #16

    I can’t even explain the helpless feeling you get watching your daughter make those choices you can’t stop.

    They don’t hear you.

    She’s chosen an entire support system that is everything I feared. They encourage the toxic behaviour that brought us all together 20 years ago. I changed & they did not. My daughter’s dad never owned up to anything a day in his life. He never said he was sorry for being the 21 year boy old who picked up the 15 year old girl. No matter how hard I tried to co-parent & encourage my kid to have a relationship with her dad all he ever did was play the blame game. He was never there for her when she was school age or younger & he blames me for that. If he didn’t get his way he would get mad and act like I was trying to ruin his life instead of thinking ‘maybe she’s doing this for our kid’.

    The truth is my door was wide open to him & his family and I kept them informed of everything, school, health, all of it. My daughter got salmonella once and i stayed in the hospital with her for twelve days, he showed up for a solid twenty minutes (actually still bitter about that one). I was so open with my daughter about how toxic I was when she was a baby & the changes I made & the relentless apologies… so, yes, it is amazing to me that my daughter is behaving just like her father. Acting like a victim & making people feel sorry for her by painting me as some kind of villain…

    It’s numbing.

    I used to believe that kids need to know both their parents but lately all I feeI is bitterness and regret for pushing her to have a relationship with her Father… None of them would be doing the same for me…

    I’ve been having a real pitty party for myself lately. I have no blood, no tribe. I’ve always felt somewhat alone, & accepted that. My biological mother gave me up for adoption & I suppose she had valid reasons. We are kind of in touch now, but not in a mother-daughter situation. My biological daughter doesn’t speak to me & she’s cut me off from the grand kids…

    I love my adopted family, but they are co-dependant. I feel like i have been de-escalating my family since childhood. I developed a strong sense of humour & it’s been a great defence mechanism for a very long time. Lately, my family feels like a lot of work. But, I’ve been taking care of them for as long as i can remember & I won’t stop any time soon.

    My Mom has decided to move away. My Mom is 78 & my brother lives with her. My brother is 42 but mentally about thirteen & this has thrown him into a spiral. I need to find somewhere for him to live so i’m trying to get help from community housing and that is not easy. I also need to line up a realtor & lawyer & banker & pack Mom’s house & move her ten hours away…

    I feel guilty for craving an unshakeable blood bond. I know my adopted Mom wants this for me & with me but it’s hard when we are so different. I see these kind of relationships in people around me & some days I get a little jealous. I am strong & independent but I wonder sometimes if it’s only because I’ve always had to be. I can always fall back on me. I am my own security. But some days I wonder what it would feel like to have that bond & support, that feeling of knowing someone can carry the load once in awhile.

    I love them all but I feel unloved.

    I’m tired.