Holly's Not Real

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  • Dementia with Dad… Log #15

    A whole new set of Daddy issues…

    Last night I got a call from Dad asking me to take him to Emergency for some ongoing back pain. I arrived at his girlfriends house shortly thereafter. She explained to me that he had been having this pain for weeks and today he had been doubled over in pain more than once. Off to emerg we went.

    Now the process with my Dad and his girlfriend is quite intricate. She has Parkinson’s and moves at the pace of a sloth riding a snail. Dad has Dementia and dotes on this woman like i’ve never seen before. Her mind is sharp, but her body is slow and my Dads mind is going but his body seems to function fine for the most part. Together they have formed a co-dependant relationship where she does the thinking & he does the walking. To get them into my car (because they both refuse to use any wheeled devices like walkers or scooters) there’s a stool, she has to climb up, while Dad tries to scoot her in, then he buckles her in, usually struggling to find the clip for the buckle, then the cane, then the purse, then Dad finally gets himself in once he’s checked his pockets four times…

    Aaaanyway, we finally get to emergency, they immediately give him basic painkillers like Advil or Tylenol, can’t remember which. We entered emergency relatively quickly which was nice compared to the usual six hour line up. They take dad for an x-ray & by the time he comes back from that, he’s basically forgotten why we’re there…

    While we wait for results, his girlfriend decides she needs to use the washroom, this is generally a 25-30 minute activity which means Dad will ask about 17 times where she is… & answer patiently every time. Then he starts to play with the medical equipment, i never realised how many buttons are in emergency rooms, he eventually find something similar to binoculars I guess which he of course needs to adjust… So finally I say “Dad, just sit on the bed” to which he replies, “I’m not sitting on the bed, i’m not a patient”. I turn my face to the wall for a giggle…

    The doctor arrives… what a condescending C***! She says something along the lines of “So, you’ve had back pain for a month & instead of seeing your family doctor, you decide to come to emerg…” I’m pretty sure the look on my face was what changed her attitude pretty quick, but she proceeded to examine dad’s back while telling us the x-ray was clear & there’s nothing they could do in emergency that night & he needs to see his family doctor, wrote a prescription & offered a shot for pain…

    My Dad Hates his family doctor, he doesn’t remember much but he knows that’s the guy who took his driver’s license away. For me to take Dad to any doctor is a struggle on the best of days, but to see that guy… even worse, so if Dad asks to go to Emergency, we go.

    I think it’s time to carry a sign to show people That says : Dad has Dementia, Please be Patient with him (Fine print: or, i’ll slap you). The lack of empathy is truly evident in the world since Dad’s been slipping. I feel like i can see when a human being is clearly confused, or not understanding what’s going on, but some people just give snotty frustrated responses which tends to push my ‘slap their lips off’ button… but I don’t… because well, prison… I do understand the frustration, a lot of people are frustrated & have been pushed to the limit, I know what people in customer service deal with all day, so I feel for you, but I feel more for my Dad…

    Despite my complicated history with my Dad, he’s still human & still my Dad & at the end of the day, I protect that old fart with my whole being whether he deserves it or not, so if you’re reading this journal entry, be kind to old people. It’s actually a very odd type of sad watching a bully lose the ability to bully so even if you don’t feel respect, please be kind…

  • Accountability… Log #14

    If you’re over 30 & you look back at you’re younger years & don’t think you did anything wrong, you’re probably an asshole, or maybe just an idiot…

    I like to think i’m the kind of person who hold’s myself accountable for the mistakes I made when I was younger. I can definitely look back and say I did some manipulative asshole things in my twenties. I keep hearing these new phrases like gaslight which is literally trying to convince someone they didn’t see something that happened right in front of their own eyes… Like that Shaggy song ‘It wasn’t me’. I listen to that song these days & think “SHE SAW YOU STUPID!”

    I actually think in doing some crappy things of my own I’ve adapted & learned that I can pick out some of these behaviours from miles away. I can recognise these behaviours in other souls almost instantly sometimes. I can’t even tell you how many times my gut has proven to be right over the years. If you ever get that gut feeling, you know the one, listen to it.

    Accountability has become one of the most important things I look for in other people & in myself. A very blunt woman who I now highly respect once told me to ‘just stop being so fake’. She called me T.F. out & it stuck. I feel like from then on, If my actions lit the match that burned the house down, I owned that! Sometimes at work, I would even own up to other peoples mistakes just to get things moving forward because I noticed in doing so, staff meetings would move along much faster. It’s actually kind of amazing how some people can get stuck on ‘the blame game’ for things that are often irrelevant when looking at the big picture… who fucking cares…

    I’ve accepted that their are some humans I will never get an apology from, but if I ever caused you pain, I’m sorry. I tried opening up to my daughter about the things I felt I did wrong as a young mother, but she was a pre-teen & so angry at me by the time I had this epiphany. I used smart ass comments in an attempt to reverse psychology people at home and at work & i realised that’s not a great method for everyone. My Dad never figured that one out as has lost all relationships with pretty much everyone since my Mom divorced him… My advice, say sorry as soon as you can…

    My brother has this ‘friend’ he’s known for 20 years. Unlike myself, my brother craves human acceptance and a friend group. I can’t understand it, I prefer solitude, however, he’s always needed that human contact. He has this one girl he’s known for twenty or so years who seems to have stuck around but I’m so tired of her using him as door mat for her baggage. She manipulates him because she knows he’s not going anywhere & I feel like she’s ‘back-burnered’ him. Which means he’s that guy she picks up after it goes sideways with alcoholic, drug addict number 92 (not judging that part, get it girl). But the fact that it’s my brother who isn’t fully there mentally, bothers me! I don’t know my brothers exact diagnosis, too many different doctors, medications & facilities, but we know he’s not all there mentally. What kind of adult bullies mentally challenged people? Seriously, some body tell me? Because it happens, & if I catch someone doing it, they’re on my list…

    Now, I know this girl is going though a lot mentally & physically. But I am so tired of her taking advantage of my brother & using him as a doormat! I can’t tell her this directly because my brother tells me to just stay out of it, so I do. He gets upset and says she’s his only friend. I’ve even noticed her being snotty to him when he meets other potential friends, it’s weird! My brother doesn’t pick up on much sarcasm or social cues which makes it difficult to help him understand what she is doing. So at this point I am just gently trying to coax him into meeting other people & joining some mental health groups… It is a different kind of heart-wrenching to watch someone you love get taken advantage of knowing they don’t understand & you can’t do anything, which is another reason I think I grew out of my shitty behaviour, & I do hope she grows out of hers, but if I could slap that hoe………

    I want to make it clear that I don’t think mental or medical conditions are an excuse in any way to use other humans or animals as physical or emotional punching bags. Now, while I want everyone to forgive themselves for the things they did wrong before they knew better, if you do mess up & take your anger or sadness out on another person, just apologise. Be honest & hold yourself accountable. No one should have to listen to the excuses of ‘why’ you felt like you could treat them like they’re disposable. You’re allowed to make mistakes, but you’re obligated to own them & not constantly repeat them!

    Honesty, Integrity, Accountability… Give it a try…

  • Spay & Neuter Animals & Idiots… Log #13

    Over the years I have fostered & cared for a few animals. Pregnant cats, dogs & even guinea pigs… Neuter your F***ing animals!

    It’s so heart warming to help animals, but it also reminds me how stupid some humans are… The difference between animals & humans is that animals can’t lie! They can’t cheat, they can’t manipulate. The entire Eco system has been resigned to the fate of the human race. Evolution is supposed to take thousands of years & at the rapid expanse of human development, the rest of the planet seems to suffer. Anywho……

    Over the past week I have looked after one beautiful Pitbull Momma. I was only supposed to be assisting with transporting the dog from Calgary Alberta to the B.C. coast, however, when I got her she was not quite matching the description I was given. This dog had clearly been used for breeding. She was pulled from a kill shelter in the states & spent more than a year in another shelter waiting for a home. When she was brought to Canada, apparently, i’ve now learned, she had incorrect paperwork. When I was able to get the paper work it stated ‘intact’ meaning not spayed! Well, her road trip came to an abrupt halt & I booked in for spay at a local vet. With an unclear answer from the initial rescue, I felt it was better to be safe than sorry & there was no way I was letting this babe be used for another litter. The USA shelter has sworn she was spayed & I am still waiting for the correct paperwork! She’s definitely not the age listed, they say 4 maybe 5, however, she’s definitely pushing senior… She limps in the front, has bully hips, broken teeth & may or may not be spayed. People when rescuing, DO YOUR HOMEWORK. Get their papers & get them vetted.

    I also have come to not like the person chosen to adopt this girl. I reached out to this person to discuss her health, he wouldn’t call me & would only text. He seemed unconcerned with her health and only cared about her arrival date. He acted as if adopting her was some huge inconvenience & yet, myself & the local foster were the ones doing all the work including delivery. Also, I searched this person on the social media & he’s been trolling for free dogs… RED FLAGS!

    Since the adopter seemed unwilling to assist with any vetting expense, I was willing to front the bill for my new pal, but, I’m also not exactly rich, so, I decided to reach out to a local private rescue for some help some advice! Well, was I ever shocked by the response I got, & really not impressed. I was told that by assisting these animals, I was enabling people to ‘continue doing what they are doing’… If so, would that not be true for all rescues who take in these animals? In my opinion, a life is a life & when an animal comes across your path that needs help… you help the best way you can… no? Weird response to hear from a rescue… As a rescue, it should be obvious that these animals come into the world one way or another, from one location or another & a rescue is a rescue, right? Oy.

    I also offered a helping hand with a gorgeous German Sheppard, zero complaints about this guy other than he is not neutered. Please people, shelters are over run! Stop back yard breeding & puppy mills! Stop it!

    I’m going to sit here & drink my coffee and scratch my head until I figure out what is wrong with humans! This may take awhile… & i’ll probably end up with a bald spot…

  • Still Got it at Forty… Log #12

    I may be chasing my cheese with laxatives & chasing my coffee with antacids, but I still got it!

    After my own personal great depression which was the year known as 2024, I decided to go back to school & take some courses. I completed my basic accounting levels 1 & 2, passed with flying colours! I also took a Women in Trades program! Here’s what I learned… I don’t want to be an accountant & I don’t want to be a woman in trades…

    After feeling like a failure for about as long as I can remember lately, I did realise the validation of succeeding at these 2 things is something i desperately needed for myself. If you are a lady & aren’t sure what you want to do with yourself at any age, take a women in trades sampler program! I learned so much! Even just some basic electrical, plumbing, mechanical & welding skills that are valuable in everyday life. I may not have found my calling but most of the ladies in the course did find a niche & the age ranged from 18 to 63. I was lucky enough to take the class with an awesome group of women, some very cool teachers. & I realised I can still make new friends. You can do it!

    Looking back I realised that as a mother, I generally felt like I was failing but I was always good at my job. Maybe I focused more on my job because I had the validation of being good at something when I should have been focused on my daughter. I always thought I was doing a good job balancing both but maybe i didn’t…? I can’t change it now, but if you’re a mother & reading this journal entry, take that thought into consideration. I have a ton of regrets but my biggest regret is not spending more time with my kid.

    I haven’t told my family that I passed yet because they tend to belittle success & things i’m proud of so, i’m writing it here. I wish I could tell my daughter but she’s busy hating me… but it won’t be getting me down today!

    What next? I have a part time job right now at an Amazon warehouse so I will be working my ass off there to save up for driving across Canada. Also, I found a psychology course that i might start online. I’ve always personally felt like I don’t quite fit. Human behaviour has often been a puzzle to me & I may try to solve the ongoing mystery of the human thought process…

    It’s a good day 🙂

  • It’s hard to be a Hoe in a Small Town… Log #11

    I mean, former Hoe.

    If you’re young, just know, when you are promiscuous in a small town, it catches up. I’ve never been a very judgemental person when it comes to sex. Not now & not then. I believe in the ‘live & let live’ lifestyle in any aspect as long as you aren’t causing harm to yourself, other people or spreading disease. Some of my best friends are swingers, former hookers, have OnlyFans accounts. They make up some of my favourite humans & are definitely never a bore! Although, If you ever hurt animals, children or literally anyone weaker than you, i’m judging, oh, I am judging…

    I’ve been a good person, a bad person, the victim & the villain. I’ve lived most days just trying to get by. Since turning forty I’ve been trying to figure out a purpose or at least find something that brings me joy. I don’t want to just survive anymore. I’m in my ‘let it go’ phase, selfish phase, find a reason to get out of bed phase. It’s difficult because I feel guilty about being selfish & working on myself knowing what is happening in this world. But, when you find yourself in a position unable to help anyone, all you can do is your best to not make it worse. Recycle, Reduce, Reuse & what not…

    For the majority of my time on earth so far, I just angrily & anxiously moved through life pretending I wasn’t angry & anxious. I promise you, it gets harder to hide as time goes on. I felt like I was on my own always & my self esteem was so low the perverts, pedos & predators could sniff me out from miles away. It’s made me feel very protective of young people going through anything even remotely similar to my experiences with men as a young girl. Rumour has it that if you learn from other peoples experiences, you don’t have to learn everything the hard way. This apparently involves listening, absorbing the information provided & applying empathy. I’m still experimenting with this notion…we shall see…

    I did good things & dumb hurtful things & all the things I thought you’re supposed to do as a human. Finished high school, wasted money on post secondary education, had a kid, bought a house, wracked up credit card debt and a vehicle debt & suffered the stress of financial burden because well… that’s what old people did when i was young. Good luck in this economy to future generations… Yikes.

    I will say that I am sorry to anyone I hurt when I was a toxic person & didn’t know better. No excuse, just sorry. I broke a few hearts, but men were disposable to me for a long time. I enjoyed the chase. I liked the attention & I usually didn’t care when they evaporated. I didn’t need one for financial reasons, after all, I had my own career, home, vehicle, daughter. I wanted to find a guy, I saw Disney movies, it looked nice… but also didn’t really need one. Which is quite a conundrum when you’re attracted to toxic misogynistic douche bags. They weren’t all bad, but, back then, in the words of my best best friend “I chewed up & spat out the nice ones”

    The only serious relationship I’d managed to get myself into in my twenties was with an extremely suffocating cruel, abusive man. He would scream things at me about being a whore & force sex on me. He’d say, ‘why else would I need a girlfriend if not for sex’? He would corner me & restrain me which in his mind was ok because he wasn’t hitting me. I think, maybe, I thought the abuse was love at the time, To Be Clear, It is NOT! He was so intense, i’d threaten to leave, he’d fall apart & beg, round & round it’d go… & I would never argue with the whore part, I mean, i’d had a few partners before him & he told me no one else would want to be with me due to the ol whore past & other cruel things… I couldn’t yet fathom it was ok to just be alone. I put myself through it for three years blindly hoping I was shielding my daughter from the situation (how dumb can a girl be). & then one day, the epiphany struck, I came home from work & there he was, this short, balding man, wife beater t-shirt, ripped underwear, one sock on, sitting in this broken recliner that he refused to part with & he was dunking plain, deep fried chicken wings in Frank’s Red Hot Sauce & I looked at him. I really looked at him, sauce on his face and chair and the wall behind him, deep fried oil smells in the air, I literally, in that moment, just no longer cared. I had still been paying my own bills, some of his, still taking care of my daughter alone, taking care of him & i realised he was just this huge burden covered in sauce & all that was left was pity… I still can’t stand Franks red hot sauce… Sorry Frank… it’s not your fault…

    Oddly, to look on one bright side, living in Canada through your hoe phase / abusive relationship phase is kinda beneficial. Even if your doctor is a judgemental bastard, abortion is legal & you can do as many paps, std screenings & blood tests you want for free! ‘Free’ meaning tax dollars, just to clarify. Nothing is ever really free.

    My daughter made the first half of life worth it for me, but, with my daughter still alienating me from her life, since turning forty there’s been an intense desire to find some sort of purpose for the second half. I’ve been trying to make a new start. I quit my soul sucking job in customer service & have been focusing on some post-secondary education. I’ve been doing this journal. I even go out on the town once in awhile, which if you read my last journal entry, you’ll know I tend to run into problems from my former self. I find myself running into my old flings & my old flings current partners. I catch myself thinking things like, you poor thing, your lil fella only lasts 12 seconds…or, she’s a lucky lady, husband shags like a gigolo! Or, feeling sad for her knowing that the husband is a greasy cheating snake. Either way, i’m like “woohoo dick sistas for life” Yayyyy! I highly doubt they see it the same way. On the flip side, I often feel sorry for some of these ladies because they are awesome & I think to myself, how did he get her? she’s amazing! Maybe she doesn’t know yet it’s ok to be alone? Should I tell her? Especially when the guy is like… Ew… ya know? Ya, I slept with him, but you’re actually stuck with him…You would think that I’m the one who should be embarrassed or feeling shame right, because I never ‘landed’ the guy? Well, I don’t, I’ve just come to realise I dodged a bullet … a lot of bullets…a lot of sperm bullets…Thank Odin for birth control!

    There actually was this one interesting scenario where a very dear friend of mine’s married business partner kept dm’ing me & hitting on me & i kept brushing it off. I guess this man heard i was a hoe & thought i’d be an easy target. This friend of mine though had literally saved my life. He was going through some personal problems at the time & I didn’t want to cause any work drama for him on top of it so, I tolerated this a little longer than I normally would have at that time. But, I did get tired of the business partners advances & in an attempt to avoid the entire situation, I thought, instead of blocking him, i’ll tell this man I was actually a lesbian & just wasn’t interested, no muss, no fuss, we’ll all stay friends right… I even had a girlfriend ready to be my lesbian lover just in case. I really just wanted him to fuck off… So what does this man proceed to do? He sends me naked pictures of his wife!! & she was fucking beautiful! Literally stunning! What the hell was he messaging me for!?! Not the point… but still… Sometime after that, she started coming into my old place of work & i’d hide in the bathroom… because… whaaaat? Small towns…

    The way i was raised, it was always implied that you are supposed to compete with other females for the lead roles at work or compete for dick (aka potential husband) or whatever. That outdated way of thinking definitely made me a toxic mother for my daughter & a toxic being for other women sometimes. Only, in an interesting twist, I’ve become one of those women who fiercely wants to protect other women. Maybe too late for my kid but I will always try to correct that behaviour, own it & apologise for it. I will tell women when their significant other’s have made passes at me. It’s difficult sometimes, you can lose friends, even with evidence like screenshots showing you didn’t do anything wrong. I had a women once blame me for her boyfriend dm’ing me. I had a woman tell me ‘it’s my fault’ when I’ve been hit on by a man in a relationship. It’s confusing. It’s the reason for the wrinkle between my eyebrows. So, with all due respect & love, you gaslighting bitches… stop it, don’t gaslight me & especially don’t gaslight yourself…

    I face things head on, it’s just what I do. But some of these things really make ya want to pack up & go where you know nothing about anyone. Maybe I will…

  • Get yourself a newfie… Log #10

    From a young age, about five years old, I’ve always tried to make my family think i’m happy & strong because I was worried about their feelings & perception for as long as i could remember. Resilience must be in my blood. I was made to feel like I owed them something by my Dad because they adopted myself & big brother as babies. Literally, he would say “You Owe Me”. My Dad & even my Mom to an extent, were very good at pointing out what you’re doing wrong, especially if you’re proud of something. Maybe a boomer thing? Not sure.

    I’ve been de-escalating my family and trying to ‘fix’ everything forrrrrever. That’s where this beautiful, dry, sarcastic humour comes from, it’s a gift really… Humour as a defensive mechanism, yes please! Just watch me end violence & create world peace with a fart joke! You’ll see…

    My family has been extremely good at taking advantage of guilt. Guilt that should have never existed. When I look around, I know my brother and I were very lucky to be adopted as babies and not run around in foster care. My brother is un-diagnosed but on the spectrum and was bullied, berated & belittled by grown ups and peers & people who should’ve been a safe place for most of his life & still to this day. My parents stuck him in institutions & medicated him as if he was the problem. I think by the time society became more in tune with bullying and autism, it was a bit too late for him. My parents tried so hard to make him ‘normal’ with doctors, prescriptions & my Dad’s personal favourites, sarcasm & reverse psychology. My brother doesn’t understand sarcasm, or reverse physiology, therefore, he took all of that as literal criticism. My brother was the smartest person, always on the honour roll, fit & funny. If he was interested in something, he knew every fact & detail. One time, I pulled up in front of his house to drop him off and he said to me “why didn’t you pull in the driveway?” & I said ” I dunno’ why is the sky blue?” & he proceeded to explain gases & atmosphere & what not, so I was like “ya, obviously”…

    Those things didn’t matter to my dad. My Dad was a womaniser & saw females as flesh sleeves, holes to be penetrated & beings to cook & do laundry. Even today, while dementia eats his brain away he tells me doesn’t want “one of them women doctors”… (I tell him not to worry, they’re transgender)…

    My brother always saw women as people and not something to screw, very confusing for the old man. My Dad tried his hardest to ‘get my brother’ laid & couldn’t understand when my brother was uninterested & just liked talking to women. FYI, my big bro did finally get laid in his twenties… I was a very proud little sister… We didn’t tell my Dad…

    My Dad loved hookers… It’s weird to hear about your fathers favourite hookers… Dads, never tell your daughters about your favorite hooker, its weird!

    Eventually, every person get’s tired of trying to survive in dysfunction. We get tired of overlooking red flags & making excuses for other people’s shitty behavior. We get tired of trying to convince people our worth & entertaining anyone who takes interest in us.

    Here’s my solution, get yourself a Newfie! No matter how sad I’ve been in life, if my best Newfie bud is around I am guaranteed to laugh until it hurts. We met at a tailgate party when I was 17 and dating a man who was 23… Ew. She saw me immediately for who I was. I sat on the tailgate alone, away from the pedo’s of the small town I was living in at the time. Did you know it’s gross if you’re over 20 picking up highschool girls? It is, tell your friends. Anyway, she came over with a bottle of Newfoundland screech & apparently, I was the only one willing to drink the screech right out of the bottle with her. Instantly bonded for life. My Rock from the Rock.

    I’m so sorry but, even when newfie’s are angry they’re funny! When my girl is hangry, it’s the funniest t’ing I’ve ever seen! I have no idea what she’s even talking about! I can honestly one hundred percent say, I’ve never been sad or unfed in Newfoundland. I don’t think she has any idea what a lucky ‘maid’ she is… Go!

    Go to Newfoundland, pick one out & keep them!

    Me & my Newfie will be driving across Canada together in September. I am very excited to be journaling about our adventure soon!

  • I’m having a feeling…Log #9

    Some days, missing my kid feels like a kick in the heart area with a steel toe boot. I’m still unsettled after the drama from the weekend so today I wrote her a letter. I’m also writing this blog in hopes she might want to read what her ol mom has been up to some day… If i ever find out why she stopped talking to me, i’ll write it right here…

    You may need some context to understand this letter.

    Summed up:

    -My daughter quit speaking to me a year ago

    -I had an abusive ex 15 years-ish ago, who we will call Jack with a messed up daughter we call Anne (same age as my daughter)

    -My Dad & me have a complicated relationship & his dementia has spun me for a loop…

    -I love dogs more that most people & I had lost 3 dogs with in a year-it was devastating

    I used letters in place of names for this blog…

    -Y=My Daughter

    -X=My daughter’s baby daddy

    -O=My grandson

    -S&B=those lil bitches

    -L=those lil bitches mother

    -J=my fella

    -Q=My fellas son (what a trip he was)

    -Did I mention I have a grandson & my daughters pregnant with a girl?

    Well… here’s the letter…

    Dear Y,

    It’s been a year.

    I am writing you this letter because you refuse to communicate with me. It’s childish on your part & frustrating on my part to be cut off without reason. S & B always have your attention & the way they behaved after a recent drag show we all attended is not ok. We were all there & I was perfectly fine not speaking to them, enjoyed an awesome show, which is what we were all there for. I had some laughs with friends & then for some reason S decided to start yelling at me & flipping me off while I was saying goodnight to some people in the parking lot. At first I walked away, I left, I actually went home, then I thought to myself ‘when will i ever get the chance to have a mature grown up conversation with these two’, so, I went back. A mature conversation does not seem to be a possibility with anyone. I had reached out to B a couple times before to try and ask how you were doing and she just comes at me like a snotty chihuahua & I got more frustrated so I stopped trying. I reached out to L because she’s a mother who should know how much it hurts not to see your daughter,expecting some kind of empathy & I kept getting blindsided. I asked L to talk to B about some of the things shes said & L laughed at me. I mean, B used to run up, hug me & call me Mom… WTF. But, at least I know in my heart I didn’t raise someone that disrespectful. I miss you like crazy & all that hurt just spilled over in the parking lot, but they don’t give a shit, just drama. Stir it where they can… I don’t know what they thought they would accomplish by starting things with me. Anyway, point is, It’s a small town, we’re probably going to run into each other & if people want to swear at me & yell at me & flip me off & make a scene, I can’t promise it’ll end well & I know it just makes things worse for you. They should know better, but they don’t & I’m quite happy to pretend I don’t know them. 

    It’s hard not to be sad when there’s reminders everywhere & I cannot wait until I can sell the house and get gone. I think about you every day. It hurts like a gut punch some days. There’s moments I want to just shoot a text but can’t. I started to think I imagined how close we used to be but some good, real friends, reminded me it was real & awesome & i’m blessed to have a few good people around me, i’m grateful for it. I thought you & I could maybe exchange a few silly dm’s over time as an ice breaker. For me, it was a great nineteen years being your mom, no matter how much I screwed up (a lot, i’m aware), & how much I miss you now. I’ve chalked up losing a relationship with you to some bad karma & all i can say is i hope your kids never do this to you. I figure I am being punished for my behaviour in my 20s & making you live with Jack for those 2 years. I’ve made a ton of mistakes but have no problems apologizing for them, owning up to them, talking about them & learning from them. Everyone makes mistakes, all you can do is own them & give yourself gracefor things you did before you knew better. Accountability & Honesty is everything. Your Dad told me that Anne was touching you inappropriately & with out being able to talk to you about these things there is not much that I can do other than let you know, i’m open to communication with you anytime. I knew Anne had her own issues using masturbation as a distraction from stress but I had no idea she had done anything to you and I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t tell me if she did. I never meant to hurt you or put my emotional baggage on you. I was honestly so stupid that I thought I could shield you from Jack’s crazy… I would look at Anne’s Mom & some of your other friends’ crackhead moms & think wasn’t doing such a bad job & I guess it was the excuse. I was also so stupid that I thought I needed a man, any man, it was just drilled into me from a young age that you should have one… so stupid… I was much older before I realized how stupid that was, Also, i kind of thought you knew that one… 

    I did the best I could to keep the door open to your dad & step mom & family. I never got help or support from anyone other than Grandma & she was dealing with her own demons. I tried to co-parent, we weren’t good at it, no one saw me drowning & I pretended I wasn’t so why would they…. I feel like I never got to show up fully as a mother. After all, I had bills to pay, I had to work, sometimes two jobs, it wasn’t fair. There’s a pretty good chance I probably shouldn’t have been a mom but I’m still grateful I got you & I think we had some pretty great times! I’m glad I never missed a school play or piano recital & I made it to every riding lesson I could but I wish I could’ve just been there more. I’m grateful for every movie night, road trip & middle of the night rain stomps & gym time, dinners at grandmas & wrestling like sisters. I even loved it every time you rolled your eyes at me… I always communicated with your dads family about what was going on in your life & I never kept your Dad from you ever although he blames me for doing so. One thing I have never budged on was thinking that you needed a relationship with your dad & his family. I pushed for that & now you have one so I guess that’s a win. The more people who love your children, the better!

    I was just starting to feel like I could relax a little bit after you graduated & started college. I felt in my gut like things were going side ways the morning I picked you up from X’s, I just knew something was different. But, I still liked X when I first met him, I don’t anymore & I got nothing to lose so I’m not going to pretend I do. I know chaos & I know where he comes from. Before him, I had a daughter & within a year, you were pregnant, had a son & then gone. I don’t blame him, I don’t know what you’ve told him or why. All I know for sure is, by the time X came along, my ‘cup was empty’ as they say & now I know too much. & It’s not a secret, I was not happy when you got pregnant, I wanted you to have some fun & some care free days & get to know yourself before becoming a mom. Sometimes things happen in life you don’t ask for & you’re never the same. I wanted to help, but I couldn’t, I was exhausted & had nothing to give. With Grandpa & his Dementia & the loss of Dog 1, then Dog 2 then Dog 3 & Q coming to live with us. Also, people are allowed space to grieve for what they wanted for their children. But when O was born & of course I fell in love with him, & now he’s gone too. At this point, I’m not sure I’d survive getting cut off from another grandbaby like that. It took me 6 months after you stopped talking to me to get out of bed to do anything other than the basics. J is one patient man. The last time you & I exchanged words was the day you came and cleared out the shed, & I should’ve of known… 

    Asking you to go to your Dad’s to live with X, O & your dog was not an easy choice but seems to have worked out for the best, it wasn’t intended as a punishment. I know you were mad, but I didn’t expect to be shunned. You just don’t cut people you love for a whole year. I completely understand needing space, I mean ya, take time, of course, but I thought we’d work it out… Anyway, the reason you cut me off no longer matters. You win. I’m sure you’ll be upset about some things in this letter. I don’t understand how you can go from speaking everyday to someone you love and then just nothing. It just made no sense to me. It’s been a spiral of losses & the reason you are pretending I don’t exist, no longer matters. I respect your boundaries & so, you win, I’m letting it go. You can stop telling people I cut you off, because we know that’s not the truth. & also, it’s still ridiculous I’d have to speak to my own child through her boyfriend, (you’ll understand that one when your kids are bigger & someone comes between you). I’m not angry anymore, Just finished, I won’t reach out anymore because you don’t care or can’t care & that’s ok kid. Closure is not a gift we’re always granted. But if you choose to reach out some day, I’m open to communication with you. 

    I hope you’re having the best time as a mom! I hope O is thriving, your pregnancy is going smooth and you keep in touch with your Grandma. I won’t bother to ask her how you are because it puts Grandma in a weird spot. Again though, it a small town & I get unsolicited updates anyways… 

    Loving someone unconditionally doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be able to tell them when they are wrong or hurting you, if you have to tip toe around feelings like you’re on  eggshells, something needs to change. Everything between us at this point is hearsay & gossip & even though I’ve heard you think I don’t, I do love you unconditionally. Every mother wishes their children do better than they did & I wish that for you with my whole heart.

    Again, Please tell your friends to take a page out of your book & if they see me in public, pretend I don’t exist.

  • Reliving my 20s…

    Log # 8

    Any other 40 year old pick a fight with some 20 year old’s in a parking lot after a Drag show this weekend? No? Just me? Are you even living? Over the last year, I have quit my career of 20 years, enrolled in college & after a year of grieving over my daughter(again, not dead, just estranged), | decided it’s time to get out on the town once in awhile. I always said when my daughter grew up I was going to try & figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I joked around about living the youth I missed out on because I had a daughter so young. Over the weekend, myself, & a few of my favourite ladies decided to attend the local drag show. What a great show! If you’ve never seen drag… Go! But, I think maybe I should’ve started slower though, a coffee shop with a friend, a farmers market, a garage sale maybe, home depot, because after the show, at two in the morning, i went full on trailer trash. Face…Palm… &, I was sober! I’m not sure if that’s worse or better. Now, there is a back story, it wasn’t exactly a spontaneous brawl. As mentioned before, my daughter hasn’t spoken to me in about a year, her ‘best friend’ happened to be at this same drag show. A little while ago this young girl made the decision to ‘attack’ me on social media after I reached out to her in hopes to see how my daughter was doing. & in doing so, I was disrespected, lied to, gaslit & still lost. What the fuck… I’m waiting for the frontal lobes to develop before i ask again… Now, It’s a small town, people run into each other, but as an adult, i figured ‘hey, we’re here to support pride, no drama necessary’ & avoided them all night. I assumed they were doing the same because no one approached me. After the show, i was hugging some people goodbye & headed home. & then, my daughters bestfriend has a girlfriend who just started flipping me off & swearing at me, i shook my head, rolled my eyes & I’m totally a grown up so, whatever, i walked away, got in my car & drove home. Now, it somewhat bothers me that kids these days hide behind these screens & think they can say whatever they want & there’s no consequences & i thought to myself, when will i get the chance to talk to these girls again face to face & just have a mature conversation, no screens. I turned around & drove back. In my actual youth, i was pretty scrappy & as I approached the stairs where they sat, all of these things started to bubble up in my gut. I happen to really enjoy confrontation, & that excited feeling i get during a little squabble started to take over & I suddenly wanted to see what they would do or say if i was two inches from their face… I said words, not a hundred percent sure what they were… I do remember swearing at my ‘ex-sister-mom’ (the mother of my daughters ‘best friend’), who was, of course, partying with her daughter that night. More than once I told my ‘ex-sister-mom’ she needed to teach her kids some respect before they lip off the wrong person & apparently this time, I was the wrong person. As things got heated, luckily, a very good friend of mine decided to get in the middle & pull me away reminding me that i would be the one who gets prison time for this offence & violence did not ensue. I want you all to know that despite coming from the trailer park, I built a life! I did all the things you’re supposed to do (except get married, cuz, ew). I was an upstanding member of society, I had a career, I bought a home! I have investments dammit! in conclusion, I’m still waiting for my face to show up on the local Facebook trash bandit page…

    Side note: I wonder if it bothers the ‘best friends’ girlfriend that the ‘best friend’ has been in love with my daughter for 15 years… hoping to find out…

  • Read it, Don’t… Whatever…

    Forty? Are you sure?

    I was going to journal privately, but who does that these days? Its all out there! So, here’s my 1st set of journal entries…

    My thoughts tend to hurt feelings I don’t really want to hurt… This is the outlet…

    Ask questions because… i’ll tell ya…

    Log #1

    My intent was to start writing an online journal on my 40th birthday. I’ve always wanted to keep a diary and really regret not doing it sooner, amongst the many typical female millennial regrets. Writing is difficult. focus, discipline & time are not on my side. If I look back, I’m pretty sure I’m actually not the awful person I keep gaslighting myself into thinking I am lately, right? I’ve also discovered sarcasm does not always translate well on paper. I’ve discovered that people tend to read in their own tone & mood. I’ve often found myself in text & email fights I didn’t even know I was having. I’m laughing, they’re crying, oops. So if you’re reading this, take it as you will. Does anyone else ever make notes in various places when a thought is stuck on a loop in your mind? Then, read them later and wonder, was I being funny, sarcastic, sad, mad, or, what the heck was I talking about? 

    The only wish I had for my 40th birthday was for my estranged daughter to finally reach out & say “Happy 40th Mom”. However, what I got for my 40th was just a hair, a long black chin hair. My 1st beard hair… Much thicker than my mustache hair. When I looked in the mirror March 21st, 2025 a new form of grooming had to be undertaken & definitely not the topic I wanted to write about & therefore, postponed my ‘dear diary’ birthday again. The majority of my birthday was spent hyperfocused on how long the hair had been there? Check my phone, How many of you saw it & didn’t say anything? Check my phone, was that what people were staring at? Check my phone, I know my tattoo artist saw it & said nothing, & the thought spiral rolls on… No text from the daughter… 

    Zero to Forty, what a blur! My life has been comical. So I thought, until I started mentioning things to other adults who would look at me with sad or concerned expressions. Didn’t everyone experience that? It had to be funny, because it has become apparent, without this demonic sense of humor, I wouldn’t have survived it. On that sad note, I spent the majority of 2024 grieving the loss of my daughter. No, she’s not dead. She just chose to cut me out, no explanation, no f – u, nothing, just ‘ghosted’ as the kids say. I was blindsided. It was so confusing. It still is, & days come where grief hits like a gut punch. She posts on social media as if she’s a martyr & the survivor of some devil mother. & I really thought it was always clear, I am a witch, not a devil. It broke me. 

    I thought we had some good times, me & my kid, despite all the awful things I did, I really thought I shielded her from it. It’s true, I was a garbage person in my twenties & i’m not afraid to admit it, a product of survival mode I suppose. I messed up, I apologized, I learned the hard way & I changed as people do. I gave birth to my one & only offspring at the age of 19 & I love that kid with every fiber of my soul. So, roll on to my thirties, I tried to openly communicate about all my mistakes, every ‘garbage’ man I dated, (I’ll write about those fuckers later). Every hour I worked to keep us fed & clothed in the latest thrift store fashion. Her Dad chose to live far away & offered no support in any way which was his choice. I was too proud to use resources like the food bank or welfare as they called it back then which led to a full on career by Twenty one. By Twenty five, I had a full on career, a child & bought my 1st home all at a young age. I did all of these things on my own & yet still chased the toxic male figure, trying to fix him to solve my problems (Yes, i was that stupid). I did the things you’re supposed to do when you have a child too young (without a man I must add)! But, did I? Then why is she gone? I made it to every piano recital, every school play, every hospital stay, every horse riding lesson, I worked hard for her to have all the things! But she’s gone, it’s been over a year & I deal with it every day…

    So now what?

    May 3, 2025

    Log #2

    All I can find is ankle socks, ankle socks? Really? Just encouraging socks & sandals. Fuck ankle socks! & sports bras with pads that come out in the wash & then you only have one pad in your bra & lopsided boobs all day & you don’t notice until the college kids grin at your one nipple in the cold breeze. Sew them in or leave them out sports people! Dicks….

    May 6, 2025 7:26 AM

    Log # 3 

    How is it that I never use my turn signal & yet, people still find me. B.S.

    May 7, 2025

    Log #4

    Women In Trades, College of the Rockies. At forty, I decided to focus on education. I tripped and fell into a career so fast at a young age I forgot to spend time finding something i might actually want to do. So for lost sould like me, this course is great! Even if you don’t have any interest in trades, the basic skills learned in this course are extremely useful. It’s only three months and you get two week samplers of a variety of trades. Only a few days into the course, I can tell you without a doubt whoever wired my house, serious safety hazard. So far we have completed 2 weeks of basic electrical, millwright & currently in the midst of welding. While I completely forgot how much I hate sitting in a classroom as it’s been over 20 years. I also completely forgot that letter math existed, Oh My G, the math… 

    I’m grateful to be learning so much from the phenomenal group of ladies taking the course alongside me. One thing I’ve noticed is most of them are actually really just looking for those basic skills ‘handy’ ‘men’ either charge a ridiculous amount of money for or, the unspoken  sexual favor swap. You know, penetration for plumbing or whatever. There is zero shame in swiping right for handy work my friends, get it girl! But if you ever get sick of that, you can do it yourself, I promise! Thank your favorite feminist my folks, there is no longer a need to risk the clap for carpentry! 

    For anyone raised by misogynists, or those out there like me, with deep rooted ‘daddy issues’, I promise, you can do the thing, it’s an awesome time & as men become more and more useless, you may just need these skills anyways! Plus the work is out there & the potential to make money is endless. I also noted the women who survived trades with the boomer generation are more inclined to hire us females. Our professors are generally used to a group with a few basic skills in hand already & mostly male students. Which leaves them needing to be reminded that some of us have never used a tool besides a butter knife as a flat head. The teachers have been great, & entertaining 14 women with no trades experience is no easy feat! Props! (Or, whatever the kids are saying these days)

    Log #5

    Apologies to future generations. In order to survive, your existence is going to be based on fixing what we broke. We swung the pendulum way too far to the brink of extinction. Imagine being the cause of your own extinction. You’re going to have to find the balance between the financial system & the environment. In my opinion, the 2 most important influences to understand. Pay attention to Al Gore’s views on Environmental issues, he knows what up. Unfortunately for you kids, my generation, (raised by boomers) was really just a consumer society. We thought, hey, what can we suck out of earth and invent to spend money on was our way of life. The amount of crap we purchased just because ‘it was a good deal’ is insane! We sucked the life out of the planet like a Lewinsky (if you don’t know, google it), mass consumerism is what they called it. Then it got worse with a little something called credit.  Everyone around had a strong desire to show off for friends & family & neighbors. So, a generation of envious brats bought it all on credit & figured we’d have time to pay it off later. Guess what, we do not have time! Something to do with what’s called inflation, if you can’t get ahead of it, it’ll bury you. Average inflation increase in the last 10 years in Canada, 5%, average yearly wage increase in Canada, 2%. This is why, I personally don’t directly blame the governments for the mess we’ve made, people give them far too much credit for the mess we made. I blame the financial system that is credit. If you understand the term ‘keeping up with the jones’, you’ll understand what I mean. The financial system has handed out loans with high interest rates to our generation like stripper cards in vegas. We financed ourselves into impossible negatives & took advantage of insurance companies, & who took the hit? The ozone layer. Humans are working into their 70s just to get by in jobs they hate. Even those tha care about the environment, are working jobs in life sucking industry they hate to get by in the financial system, whether they harm the environment or not just to make payments on crap we probably don’t even have anymore because we bought it with credit & then couldn’t even pay off the credit card. By the time a lot of us understand the damages, & develop a sense of integrity, it’s too late. And the cycle continues. Even a teeny tiny itty bitty part of my soul understands why people voted for Trump (& believe me that is hard for me to state, the man makes my skin crawl). But, it’s because a huge majority of people are all exhausted in a financial system that is no longer making it possible to achieve anything. We don’t have time to understand politics, read history books, rally, whatever, we’re tired. Women burned their bras for women’s rights & the right to vote & frankly, we changed the world with boob holders & a match! Get together ladies because if we burn our panties we’ll be running the entire world! Free the nipple & the flaps for world domination! Anyway, what I really think about voters is they vote because they’re told they’re supposed to, they actually know very little about politics & i’m not judging, I know very little about politics. I’ve read that in Canada the votes in the west usually don’t even count by the time the East is voting. People like me only view politics as a comical reality television show. It is so easy to make fun of & it’s actually pretty embarrassing at this point in history. It’s difficult for someone like me who doesn’t quite fit anywhere. I like guns & ethical hunting but personally would never kill an animal for any reason other than survival or suffering, I support LGBTQ with my whole heart even though I’m straight & get the pronouns wrong (sorry friends, im working on it), I’m actually really unsure why LGBTQ is a political issue at all, but that’s a separate journal entry. Also, I like driving vehicles with power, but I don’t want to harm the environment, but like Fuck i’ll ever support Tesla. I want wealth in my country but I also want to save the world. I can’t win. Anyway kids, my point is, it’s broken and if you want to survive, you’re going to have to pick up the pieces, glue them back together & find a way to fix it so your babies can find a way to thrive. At this point, humans are the virus, the cancer, the bullet, the comet destroying ourselves and everything around us. If you can find that balance, you’ll be the most ‘prosperous’ generation ever. Good luck kids!

    May 9, 2025

    Log #6

    Haven’t journaled since May! My brain is fogged & ass is kicked and I am sleepy!

    Log #7

    Does anyone else feel like anti-aging creams only make you look young because you breakout like you’re a pre-hormonal teenager about to hit puberty? I started trying some 2 years ago. I am putting cow fat on my face! Cow fat, i don’t even eat cow… but it’s on my face doing nothing but making me breakout like I ate 7 cheeseburgers… There is no eye cream that makes you look like you got 8 hours of sleep! None, not one. That is all.