Tag: blog

Forty? Are you sure?

I was going to journal privately, but who does that these days? Its all out there! So, here’s my 1st set of journal entries…

My thoughts tend to hurt feelings I don’t really want to hurt… This is the outlet…

Ask questions because… i’ll tell ya…

Log #1

My intent was to start writing an online journal on my 40th birthday. I’ve always wanted to keep a diary and really regret not doing it sooner, amongst the many typical female millennial regrets. Writing is difficult. focus, discipline & time are not on my side. If I look back, I’m pretty sure I’m actually not the awful person I keep gaslighting myself into thinking I am lately, right? I’ve also discovered sarcasm does not always translate well on paper. I’ve discovered that people tend to read in their own tone & mood. I’ve often found myself in text & email fights I didn’t even know I was having. I’m laughing, they’re crying, oops. So if you’re reading this, take it as you will. Does anyone else ever make notes in various places when a thought is stuck on a loop in your mind? Then, read them later and wonder, was I being funny, sarcastic, sad, mad, or, what the heck was I talking about? 

The only wish I had for my 40th birthday was for my estranged daughter to finally reach out & say “Happy 40th Mom”. However, what I got for my 40th was just a hair, a long black chin hair. My 1st beard hair… Much thicker than my mustache hair. When I looked in the mirror March 21st, 2025 a new form of grooming had to be undertaken & definitely not the topic I wanted to write about & therefore, postponed my ‘dear diary’ birthday again. The majority of my birthday was spent hyperfocused on how long the hair had been there? Check my phone, How many of you saw it & didn’t say anything? Check my phone, was that what people were staring at? Check my phone, I know my tattoo artist saw it & said nothing, & the thought spiral rolls on… No text from the daughter… 

Zero to Forty, what a blur! My life has been comical. So I thought, until I started mentioning things to other adults who would look at me with sad or concerned expressions. Didn’t everyone experience that? It had to be funny, because it has become apparent, without this demonic sense of humor, I wouldn’t have survived it. On that sad note, I spent the majority of 2024 grieving the loss of my daughter. No, she’s not dead. She just chose to cut me out, no explanation, no f – u, nothing, just ‘ghosted’ as the kids say. I was blindsided. It was so confusing. It still is, & days come where grief hits like a gut punch. She posts on social media as if she’s a martyr & the survivor of some devil mother. & I really thought it was always clear, I am a witch, not a devil. It broke me. 

I thought we had some good times, me & my kid, despite all the awful things I did, I really thought I shielded her from it. It’s true, I was a garbage person in my twenties & i’m not afraid to admit it, a product of survival mode I suppose. I messed up, I apologized, I learned the hard way & I changed as people do. I gave birth to my one & only offspring at the age of 19 & I love that kid with every fiber of my soul. So, roll on to my thirties, I tried to openly communicate about all my mistakes, every ‘garbage’ man I dated, (I’ll write about those fuckers later). Every hour I worked to keep us fed & clothed in the latest thrift store fashion. Her Dad chose to live far away & offered no support in any way which was his choice. I was too proud to use resources like the food bank or welfare as they called it back then which led to a full on career by Twenty one. By Twenty five, I had a full on career, a child & bought my 1st home all at a young age. I did all of these things on my own & yet still chased the toxic male figure, trying to fix him to solve my problems (Yes, i was that stupid). I did the things you’re supposed to do when you have a child too young (without a man I must add)! But, did I? Then why is she gone? I made it to every piano recital, every school play, every hospital stay, every horse riding lesson, I worked hard for her to have all the things! But she’s gone, it’s been over a year & I deal with it every day…

So now what?

May 3, 2025

Log #2

All I can find is ankle socks, ankle socks? Really? Just encouraging socks & sandals. Fuck ankle socks! & sports bras with pads that come out in the wash & then you only have one pad in your bra & lopsided boobs all day & you don’t notice until the college kids grin at your one nipple in the cold breeze. Sew them in or leave them out sports people! Dicks….

May 6, 2025 7:26 AM

Log # 3 

How is it that I never use my turn signal & yet, people still find me. B.S.

May 7, 2025

Log #4

Women In Trades, College of the Rockies. At forty, I decided to focus on education. I tripped and fell into a career so fast at a young age I forgot to spend time finding something i might actually want to do. So for lost sould like me, this course is great! Even if you don’t have any interest in trades, the basic skills learned in this course are extremely useful. It’s only three months and you get two week samplers of a variety of trades. Only a few days into the course, I can tell you without a doubt whoever wired my house, serious safety hazard. So far we have completed 2 weeks of basic electrical, millwright & currently in the midst of welding. While I completely forgot how much I hate sitting in a classroom as it’s been over 20 years. I also completely forgot that letter math existed, Oh My G, the math… 

I’m grateful to be learning so much from the phenomenal group of ladies taking the course alongside me. One thing I’ve noticed is most of them are actually really just looking for those basic skills ‘handy’ ‘men’ either charge a ridiculous amount of money for or, the unspoken  sexual favor swap. You know, penetration for plumbing or whatever. There is zero shame in swiping right for handy work my friends, get it girl! But if you ever get sick of that, you can do it yourself, I promise! Thank your favorite feminist my folks, there is no longer a need to risk the clap for carpentry! 

For anyone raised by misogynists, or those out there like me, with deep rooted ‘daddy issues’, I promise, you can do the thing, it’s an awesome time & as men become more and more useless, you may just need these skills anyways! Plus the work is out there & the potential to make money is endless. I also noted the women who survived trades with the boomer generation are more inclined to hire us females. Our professors are generally used to a group with a few basic skills in hand already & mostly male students. Which leaves them needing to be reminded that some of us have never used a tool besides a butter knife as a flat head. The teachers have been great, & entertaining 14 women with no trades experience is no easy feat! Props! (Or, whatever the kids are saying these days)

Log #5

Apologies to future generations. In order to survive, your existence is going to be based on fixing what we broke. We swung the pendulum way too far to the brink of extinction. Imagine being the cause of your own extinction. You’re going to have to find the balance between the financial system & the environment. In my opinion, the 2 most important influences to understand. Pay attention to Al Gore’s views on Environmental issues, he knows what up. Unfortunately for you kids, my generation, (raised by boomers) was really just a consumer society. We thought, hey, what can we suck out of earth and invent to spend money on was our way of life. The amount of crap we purchased just because ‘it was a good deal’ is insane! We sucked the life out of the planet like a Lewinsky (if you don’t know, google it), mass consumerism is what they called it. Then it got worse with a little something called credit.  Everyone around had a strong desire to show off for friends & family & neighbors. So, a generation of envious brats bought it all on credit & figured we’d have time to pay it off later. Guess what, we do not have time! Something to do with what’s called inflation, if you can’t get ahead of it, it’ll bury you. Average inflation increase in the last 10 years in Canada, 5%, average yearly wage increase in Canada, 2%. This is why, I personally don’t directly blame the governments for the mess we’ve made, people give them far too much credit for the mess we made. I blame the financial system that is credit. If you understand the term ‘keeping up with the jones’, you’ll understand what I mean. The financial system has handed out loans with high interest rates to our generation like stripper cards in vegas. We financed ourselves into impossible negatives & took advantage of insurance companies, & who took the hit? The ozone layer. Humans are working into their 70s just to get by in jobs they hate. Even those tha care about the environment, are working jobs in life sucking industry they hate to get by in the financial system, whether they harm the environment or not just to make payments on crap we probably don’t even have anymore because we bought it with credit & then couldn’t even pay off the credit card. By the time a lot of us understand the damages, & develop a sense of integrity, it’s too late. And the cycle continues. Even a teeny tiny itty bitty part of my soul understands why people voted for Trump (& believe me that is hard for me to state, the man makes my skin crawl). But, it’s because a huge majority of people are all exhausted in a financial system that is no longer making it possible to achieve anything. We don’t have time to understand politics, read history books, rally, whatever, we’re tired. Women burned their bras for women’s rights & the right to vote & frankly, we changed the world with boob holders & a match! Get together ladies because if we burn our panties we’ll be running the entire world! Free the nipple & the flaps for world domination! Anyway, what I really think about voters is they vote because they’re told they’re supposed to, they actually know very little about politics & i’m not judging, I know very little about politics. I’ve read that in Canada the votes in the west usually don’t even count by the time the East is voting. People like me only view politics as a comical reality television show. It is so easy to make fun of & it’s actually pretty embarrassing at this point in history. It’s difficult for someone like me who doesn’t quite fit anywhere. I like guns & ethical hunting but personally would never kill an animal for any reason other than survival or suffering, I support LGBTQ with my whole heart even though I’m straight & get the pronouns wrong (sorry friends, im working on it), I’m actually really unsure why LGBTQ is a political issue at all, but that’s a separate journal entry. Also, I like driving vehicles with power, but I don’t want to harm the environment, but like Fuck i’ll ever support Tesla. I want wealth in my country but I also want to save the world. I can’t win. Anyway kids, my point is, it’s broken and if you want to survive, you’re going to have to pick up the pieces, glue them back together & find a way to fix it so your babies can find a way to thrive. At this point, humans are the virus, the cancer, the bullet, the comet destroying ourselves and everything around us. If you can find that balance, you’ll be the most ‘prosperous’ generation ever. Good luck kids!

May 9, 2025

Log #6

Haven’t journaled since May! My brain is fogged & ass is kicked and I am sleepy!

Log #7

Does anyone else feel like anti-aging creams only make you look young because you breakout like you’re a pre-hormonal teenager about to hit puberty? I started trying some 2 years ago. I am putting cow fat on my face! Cow fat, i don’t even eat cow… but it’s on my face doing nothing but making me breakout like I ate 7 cheeseburgers… There is no eye cream that makes you look like you got 8 hours of sleep! None, not one. That is all.