Holly's Not Real

Tag: love

  • Still Got it at Forty… Log #12

    I may be chasing my cheese with laxatives & chasing my coffee with antacids, but I still got it!

    After my own personal great depression which was the year known as 2024, I decided to go back to school & take some courses. I completed my basic accounting levels 1 & 2, passed with flying colours! I also took a Women in Trades program! Here’s what I learned… I don’t want to be an accountant & I don’t want to be a woman in trades…

    After feeling like a failure for about as long as I can remember lately, I did realise the validation of succeeding at these 2 things is something i desperately needed for myself. If you are a lady & aren’t sure what you want to do with yourself at any age, take a women in trades sampler program! I learned so much! Even just some basic electrical, plumbing, mechanical & welding skills that are valuable in everyday life. I may not have found my calling but most of the ladies in the course did find a niche & the age ranged from 18 to 63. I was lucky enough to take the class with an awesome group of women, some very cool teachers. & I realised I can still make new friends. You can do it!

    Looking back I realised that as a mother, I generally felt like I was failing but I was always good at my job. Maybe I focused more on my job because I had the validation of being good at something when I should have been focused on my daughter. I always thought I was doing a good job balancing both but maybe i didn’t…? I can’t change it now, but if you’re a mother & reading this journal entry, take that thought into consideration. I have a ton of regrets but my biggest regret is not spending more time with my kid.

    I haven’t told my family that I passed yet because they tend to belittle success & things i’m proud of so, i’m writing it here. I wish I could tell my daughter but she’s busy hating me… but it won’t be getting me down today!

    What next? I have a part time job right now at an Amazon warehouse so I will be working my ass off there to save up for driving across Canada. Also, I found a psychology course that i might start online. I’ve always personally felt like I don’t quite fit. Human behaviour has often been a puzzle to me & I may try to solve the ongoing mystery of the human thought process…

    It’s a good day 🙂

  • It’s hard to be a Hoe in a Small Town… Log #11

    I mean, former Hoe.

    If you’re young, just know, when you are promiscuous in a small town, it catches up. I’ve never been a very judgemental person when it comes to sex. Not now & not then. I believe in the ‘live & let live’ lifestyle in any aspect as long as you aren’t causing harm to yourself, other people or spreading disease. Some of my best friends are swingers, former hookers, have OnlyFans accounts. They make up some of my favourite humans & are definitely never a bore! Although, If you ever hurt animals, children or literally anyone weaker than you, i’m judging, oh, I am judging…

    I’ve been a good person, a bad person, the victim & the villain. I’ve lived most days just trying to get by. Since turning forty I’ve been trying to figure out a purpose or at least find something that brings me joy. I don’t want to just survive anymore. I’m in my ‘let it go’ phase, selfish phase, find a reason to get out of bed phase. It’s difficult because I feel guilty about being selfish & working on myself knowing what is happening in this world. But, when you find yourself in a position unable to help anyone, all you can do is your best to not make it worse. Recycle, Reduce, Reuse & what not…

    For the majority of my time on earth so far, I just angrily & anxiously moved through life pretending I wasn’t angry & anxious. I promise you, it gets harder to hide as time goes on. I felt like I was on my own always & my self esteem was so low the perverts, pedos & predators could sniff me out from miles away. It’s made me feel very protective of young people going through anything even remotely similar to my experiences with men as a young girl. Rumour has it that if you learn from other peoples experiences, you don’t have to learn everything the hard way. This apparently involves listening, absorbing the information provided & applying empathy. I’m still experimenting with this notion…we shall see…

    I did good things & dumb hurtful things & all the things I thought you’re supposed to do as a human. Finished high school, wasted money on post secondary education, had a kid, bought a house, wracked up credit card debt and a vehicle debt & suffered the stress of financial burden because well… that’s what old people did when i was young. Good luck in this economy to future generations… Yikes.

    I will say that I am sorry to anyone I hurt when I was a toxic person & didn’t know better. No excuse, just sorry. I broke a few hearts, but men were disposable to me for a long time. I enjoyed the chase. I liked the attention & I usually didn’t care when they evaporated. I didn’t need one for financial reasons, after all, I had my own career, home, vehicle, daughter. I wanted to find a guy, I saw Disney movies, it looked nice… but also didn’t really need one. Which is quite a conundrum when you’re attracted to toxic misogynistic douche bags. They weren’t all bad, but, back then, in the words of my best best friend “I chewed up & spat out the nice ones”

    The only serious relationship I’d managed to get myself into in my twenties was with an extremely suffocating cruel, abusive man. He would scream things at me about being a whore & force sex on me. He’d say, ‘why else would I need a girlfriend if not for sex’? He would corner me & restrain me which in his mind was ok because he wasn’t hitting me. I think, maybe, I thought the abuse was love at the time, To Be Clear, It is NOT! He was so intense, i’d threaten to leave, he’d fall apart & beg, round & round it’d go… & I would never argue with the whore part, I mean, i’d had a few partners before him & he told me no one else would want to be with me due to the ol whore past & other cruel things… I couldn’t yet fathom it was ok to just be alone. I put myself through it for three years blindly hoping I was shielding my daughter from the situation (how dumb can a girl be). & then one day, the epiphany struck, I came home from work & there he was, this short, balding man, wife beater t-shirt, ripped underwear, one sock on, sitting in this broken recliner that he refused to part with & he was dunking plain, deep fried chicken wings in Frank’s Red Hot Sauce & I looked at him. I really looked at him, sauce on his face and chair and the wall behind him, deep fried oil smells in the air, I literally, in that moment, just no longer cared. I had still been paying my own bills, some of his, still taking care of my daughter alone, taking care of him & i realised he was just this huge burden covered in sauce & all that was left was pity… I still can’t stand Franks red hot sauce… Sorry Frank… it’s not your fault…

    Oddly, to look on one bright side, living in Canada through your hoe phase / abusive relationship phase is kinda beneficial. Even if your doctor is a judgemental bastard, abortion is legal & you can do as many paps, std screenings & blood tests you want for free! ‘Free’ meaning tax dollars, just to clarify. Nothing is ever really free.

    My daughter made the first half of life worth it for me, but, with my daughter still alienating me from her life, since turning forty there’s been an intense desire to find some sort of purpose for the second half. I’ve been trying to make a new start. I quit my soul sucking job in customer service & have been focusing on some post-secondary education. I’ve been doing this journal. I even go out on the town once in awhile, which if you read my last journal entry, you’ll know I tend to run into problems from my former self. I find myself running into my old flings & my old flings current partners. I catch myself thinking things like, you poor thing, your lil fella only lasts 12 seconds…or, she’s a lucky lady, husband shags like a gigolo! Or, feeling sad for her knowing that the husband is a greasy cheating snake. Either way, i’m like “woohoo dick sistas for life” Yayyyy! I highly doubt they see it the same way. On the flip side, I often feel sorry for some of these ladies because they are awesome & I think to myself, how did he get her? she’s amazing! Maybe she doesn’t know yet it’s ok to be alone? Should I tell her? Especially when the guy is like… Ew… ya know? Ya, I slept with him, but you’re actually stuck with him…You would think that I’m the one who should be embarrassed or feeling shame right, because I never ‘landed’ the guy? Well, I don’t, I’ve just come to realise I dodged a bullet … a lot of bullets…a lot of sperm bullets…Thank Odin for birth control!

    There actually was this one interesting scenario where a very dear friend of mine’s married business partner kept dm’ing me & hitting on me & i kept brushing it off. I guess this man heard i was a hoe & thought i’d be an easy target. This friend of mine though had literally saved my life. He was going through some personal problems at the time & I didn’t want to cause any work drama for him on top of it so, I tolerated this a little longer than I normally would have at that time. But, I did get tired of the business partners advances & in an attempt to avoid the entire situation, I thought, instead of blocking him, i’ll tell this man I was actually a lesbian & just wasn’t interested, no muss, no fuss, we’ll all stay friends right… I even had a girlfriend ready to be my lesbian lover just in case. I really just wanted him to fuck off… So what does this man proceed to do? He sends me naked pictures of his wife!! & she was fucking beautiful! Literally stunning! What the hell was he messaging me for!?! Not the point… but still… Sometime after that, she started coming into my old place of work & i’d hide in the bathroom… because… whaaaat? Small towns…

    The way i was raised, it was always implied that you are supposed to compete with other females for the lead roles at work or compete for dick (aka potential husband) or whatever. That outdated way of thinking definitely made me a toxic mother for my daughter & a toxic being for other women sometimes. Only, in an interesting twist, I’ve become one of those women who fiercely wants to protect other women. Maybe too late for my kid but I will always try to correct that behaviour, own it & apologise for it. I will tell women when their significant other’s have made passes at me. It’s difficult sometimes, you can lose friends, even with evidence like screenshots showing you didn’t do anything wrong. I had a women once blame me for her boyfriend dm’ing me. I had a woman tell me ‘it’s my fault’ when I’ve been hit on by a man in a relationship. It’s confusing. It’s the reason for the wrinkle between my eyebrows. So, with all due respect & love, you gaslighting bitches… stop it, don’t gaslight me & especially don’t gaslight yourself…

    I face things head on, it’s just what I do. But some of these things really make ya want to pack up & go where you know nothing about anyone. Maybe I will…

  • Get yourself a newfie… Log #10

    From a young age, about five years old, I’ve always tried to make my family think i’m happy & strong because I was worried about their feelings & perception for as long as i could remember. Resilience must be in my blood. I was made to feel like I owed them something by my Dad because they adopted myself & big brother as babies. Literally, he would say “You Owe Me”. My Dad & even my Mom to an extent, were very good at pointing out what you’re doing wrong, especially if you’re proud of something. Maybe a boomer thing? Not sure.

    I’ve been de-escalating my family and trying to ‘fix’ everything forrrrrever. That’s where this beautiful, dry, sarcastic humour comes from, it’s a gift really… Humour as a defensive mechanism, yes please! Just watch me end violence & create world peace with a fart joke! You’ll see…

    My family has been extremely good at taking advantage of guilt. Guilt that should have never existed. When I look around, I know my brother and I were very lucky to be adopted as babies and not run around in foster care. My brother is un-diagnosed but on the spectrum and was bullied, berated & belittled by grown ups and peers & people who should’ve been a safe place for most of his life & still to this day. My parents stuck him in institutions & medicated him as if he was the problem. I think by the time society became more in tune with bullying and autism, it was a bit too late for him. My parents tried so hard to make him ‘normal’ with doctors, prescriptions & my Dad’s personal favourites, sarcasm & reverse psychology. My brother doesn’t understand sarcasm, or reverse physiology, therefore, he took all of that as literal criticism. My brother was the smartest person, always on the honour roll, fit & funny. If he was interested in something, he knew every fact & detail. One time, I pulled up in front of his house to drop him off and he said to me “why didn’t you pull in the driveway?” & I said ” I dunno’ why is the sky blue?” & he proceeded to explain gases & atmosphere & what not, so I was like “ya, obviously”…

    Those things didn’t matter to my dad. My Dad was a womaniser & saw females as flesh sleeves, holes to be penetrated & beings to cook & do laundry. Even today, while dementia eats his brain away he tells me doesn’t want “one of them women doctors”… (I tell him not to worry, they’re transgender)…

    My brother always saw women as people and not something to screw, very confusing for the old man. My Dad tried his hardest to ‘get my brother’ laid & couldn’t understand when my brother was uninterested & just liked talking to women. FYI, my big bro did finally get laid in his twenties… I was a very proud little sister… We didn’t tell my Dad…

    My Dad loved hookers… It’s weird to hear about your fathers favourite hookers… Dads, never tell your daughters about your favorite hooker, its weird!

    Eventually, every person get’s tired of trying to survive in dysfunction. We get tired of overlooking red flags & making excuses for other people’s shitty behavior. We get tired of trying to convince people our worth & entertaining anyone who takes interest in us.

    Here’s my solution, get yourself a Newfie! No matter how sad I’ve been in life, if my best Newfie bud is around I am guaranteed to laugh until it hurts. We met at a tailgate party when I was 17 and dating a man who was 23… Ew. She saw me immediately for who I was. I sat on the tailgate alone, away from the pedo’s of the small town I was living in at the time. Did you know it’s gross if you’re over 20 picking up highschool girls? It is, tell your friends. Anyway, she came over with a bottle of Newfoundland screech & apparently, I was the only one willing to drink the screech right out of the bottle with her. Instantly bonded for life. My Rock from the Rock.

    I’m so sorry but, even when newfie’s are angry they’re funny! When my girl is hangry, it’s the funniest t’ing I’ve ever seen! I have no idea what she’s even talking about! I can honestly one hundred percent say, I’ve never been sad or unfed in Newfoundland. I don’t think she has any idea what a lucky ‘maid’ she is… Go!

    Go to Newfoundland, pick one out & keep them!

    Me & my Newfie will be driving across Canada together in September. I am very excited to be journaling about our adventure soon!

  • I’m having a feeling…Log #9

    Some days, missing my kid feels like a kick in the heart area with a steel toe boot. I’m still unsettled after the drama from the weekend so today I wrote her a letter. I’m also writing this blog in hopes she might want to read what her ol mom has been up to some day… If i ever find out why she stopped talking to me, i’ll write it right here…

    You may need some context to understand this letter.

    Summed up:

    -My daughter quit speaking to me a year ago

    -I had an abusive ex 15 years-ish ago, who we will call Jack with a messed up daughter we call Anne (same age as my daughter)

    -My Dad & me have a complicated relationship & his dementia has spun me for a loop…

    -I love dogs more that most people & I had lost 3 dogs with in a year-it was devastating

    I used letters in place of names for this blog…

    -Y=My Daughter

    -X=My daughter’s baby daddy

    -O=My grandson

    -S&B=those lil bitches

    -L=those lil bitches mother

    -J=my fella

    -Q=My fellas son (what a trip he was)

    -Did I mention I have a grandson & my daughters pregnant with a girl?

    Well… here’s the letter…

    Dear Y,

    It’s been a year.

    I am writing you this letter because you refuse to communicate with me. It’s childish on your part & frustrating on my part to be cut off without reason. S & B always have your attention & the way they behaved after a recent drag show we all attended is not ok. We were all there & I was perfectly fine not speaking to them, enjoyed an awesome show, which is what we were all there for. I had some laughs with friends & then for some reason S decided to start yelling at me & flipping me off while I was saying goodnight to some people in the parking lot. At first I walked away, I left, I actually went home, then I thought to myself ‘when will i ever get the chance to have a mature grown up conversation with these two’, so, I went back. A mature conversation does not seem to be a possibility with anyone. I had reached out to B a couple times before to try and ask how you were doing and she just comes at me like a snotty chihuahua & I got more frustrated so I stopped trying. I reached out to L because she’s a mother who should know how much it hurts not to see your daughter,expecting some kind of empathy & I kept getting blindsided. I asked L to talk to B about some of the things shes said & L laughed at me. I mean, B used to run up, hug me & call me Mom… WTF. But, at least I know in my heart I didn’t raise someone that disrespectful. I miss you like crazy & all that hurt just spilled over in the parking lot, but they don’t give a shit, just drama. Stir it where they can… I don’t know what they thought they would accomplish by starting things with me. Anyway, point is, It’s a small town, we’re probably going to run into each other & if people want to swear at me & yell at me & flip me off & make a scene, I can’t promise it’ll end well & I know it just makes things worse for you. They should know better, but they don’t & I’m quite happy to pretend I don’t know them. 

    It’s hard not to be sad when there’s reminders everywhere & I cannot wait until I can sell the house and get gone. I think about you every day. It hurts like a gut punch some days. There’s moments I want to just shoot a text but can’t. I started to think I imagined how close we used to be but some good, real friends, reminded me it was real & awesome & i’m blessed to have a few good people around me, i’m grateful for it. I thought you & I could maybe exchange a few silly dm’s over time as an ice breaker. For me, it was a great nineteen years being your mom, no matter how much I screwed up (a lot, i’m aware), & how much I miss you now. I’ve chalked up losing a relationship with you to some bad karma & all i can say is i hope your kids never do this to you. I figure I am being punished for my behaviour in my 20s & making you live with Jack for those 2 years. I’ve made a ton of mistakes but have no problems apologizing for them, owning up to them, talking about them & learning from them. Everyone makes mistakes, all you can do is own them & give yourself gracefor things you did before you knew better. Accountability & Honesty is everything. Your Dad told me that Anne was touching you inappropriately & with out being able to talk to you about these things there is not much that I can do other than let you know, i’m open to communication with you anytime. I knew Anne had her own issues using masturbation as a distraction from stress but I had no idea she had done anything to you and I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t tell me if she did. I never meant to hurt you or put my emotional baggage on you. I was honestly so stupid that I thought I could shield you from Jack’s crazy… I would look at Anne’s Mom & some of your other friends’ crackhead moms & think wasn’t doing such a bad job & I guess it was the excuse. I was also so stupid that I thought I needed a man, any man, it was just drilled into me from a young age that you should have one… so stupid… I was much older before I realized how stupid that was, Also, i kind of thought you knew that one… 

    I did the best I could to keep the door open to your dad & step mom & family. I never got help or support from anyone other than Grandma & she was dealing with her own demons. I tried to co-parent, we weren’t good at it, no one saw me drowning & I pretended I wasn’t so why would they…. I feel like I never got to show up fully as a mother. After all, I had bills to pay, I had to work, sometimes two jobs, it wasn’t fair. There’s a pretty good chance I probably shouldn’t have been a mom but I’m still grateful I got you & I think we had some pretty great times! I’m glad I never missed a school play or piano recital & I made it to every riding lesson I could but I wish I could’ve just been there more. I’m grateful for every movie night, road trip & middle of the night rain stomps & gym time, dinners at grandmas & wrestling like sisters. I even loved it every time you rolled your eyes at me… I always communicated with your dads family about what was going on in your life & I never kept your Dad from you ever although he blames me for doing so. One thing I have never budged on was thinking that you needed a relationship with your dad & his family. I pushed for that & now you have one so I guess that’s a win. The more people who love your children, the better!

    I was just starting to feel like I could relax a little bit after you graduated & started college. I felt in my gut like things were going side ways the morning I picked you up from X’s, I just knew something was different. But, I still liked X when I first met him, I don’t anymore & I got nothing to lose so I’m not going to pretend I do. I know chaos & I know where he comes from. Before him, I had a daughter & within a year, you were pregnant, had a son & then gone. I don’t blame him, I don’t know what you’ve told him or why. All I know for sure is, by the time X came along, my ‘cup was empty’ as they say & now I know too much. & It’s not a secret, I was not happy when you got pregnant, I wanted you to have some fun & some care free days & get to know yourself before becoming a mom. Sometimes things happen in life you don’t ask for & you’re never the same. I wanted to help, but I couldn’t, I was exhausted & had nothing to give. With Grandpa & his Dementia & the loss of Dog 1, then Dog 2 then Dog 3 & Q coming to live with us. Also, people are allowed space to grieve for what they wanted for their children. But when O was born & of course I fell in love with him, & now he’s gone too. At this point, I’m not sure I’d survive getting cut off from another grandbaby like that. It took me 6 months after you stopped talking to me to get out of bed to do anything other than the basics. J is one patient man. The last time you & I exchanged words was the day you came and cleared out the shed, & I should’ve of known… 

    Asking you to go to your Dad’s to live with X, O & your dog was not an easy choice but seems to have worked out for the best, it wasn’t intended as a punishment. I know you were mad, but I didn’t expect to be shunned. You just don’t cut people you love for a whole year. I completely understand needing space, I mean ya, take time, of course, but I thought we’d work it out… Anyway, the reason you cut me off no longer matters. You win. I’m sure you’ll be upset about some things in this letter. I don’t understand how you can go from speaking everyday to someone you love and then just nothing. It just made no sense to me. It’s been a spiral of losses & the reason you are pretending I don’t exist, no longer matters. I respect your boundaries & so, you win, I’m letting it go. You can stop telling people I cut you off, because we know that’s not the truth. & also, it’s still ridiculous I’d have to speak to my own child through her boyfriend, (you’ll understand that one when your kids are bigger & someone comes between you). I’m not angry anymore, Just finished, I won’t reach out anymore because you don’t care or can’t care & that’s ok kid. Closure is not a gift we’re always granted. But if you choose to reach out some day, I’m open to communication with you. 

    I hope you’re having the best time as a mom! I hope O is thriving, your pregnancy is going smooth and you keep in touch with your Grandma. I won’t bother to ask her how you are because it puts Grandma in a weird spot. Again though, it a small town & I get unsolicited updates anyways… 

    Loving someone unconditionally doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be able to tell them when they are wrong or hurting you, if you have to tip toe around feelings like you’re on  eggshells, something needs to change. Everything between us at this point is hearsay & gossip & even though I’ve heard you think I don’t, I do love you unconditionally. Every mother wishes their children do better than they did & I wish that for you with my whole heart.

    Again, Please tell your friends to take a page out of your book & if they see me in public, pretend I don’t exist.