Holly's Not Real

Tag: mental-health

  • The System is Failing… Log #25

    I am physically nauseous about the state of the world… Everyday I know that I’m blessed to have food in the fridge & a roof over my head & believe me when I say I am aware of situation in America & I know people have it so much worse… It shouldn’t matter is you are Liberal or Conservative, Vegan or Carnivore, Hunter or Hippie, It seems simple to me that in 2026, with all the education and communication that the one common goal should be Balance. It’s not the early 1900’s anymore, the borders are made, the time for world domination is over… get a grip…

    But today, I’m having a pity party for myself, it’s about me & how the system is failing me… The system we were sold on from middle school is failing me… How to find security in the system… Graduate, get a job, buy a house… I did all that…

    Banks… I recently figured out why the banks sold us on that system when I received my mortgage statement, which I actually took the time to look at this year… I know that it’s sad it took so long, but when you’re in ‘survival mode’, you just go with the scheduled programing. I trusted it, it’s the way of things right… Anyway, point is, I have a very small mortgage & the bank collected $13,000 for themselves in interest & $5000 went to my principal balance in 2025. What are they doing with my money…? Owning a home with the bank is swell…

    Taxes… I’ve paid taxes, a lot of taxes, all the taxes! As I’ve previously written, i take care of my Dad who has Dementia & has suffered 2 heart attacks in the last couple of years. Employment insurance declined my claim after the 1st heart attack (6 months after I applied, short staffing etc etc) because the doctor missed a box, literally, that’s not an exaggeration, they wanted me to go back after 6 months and have the doctor tick the box, it didn’t matter that it said ‘heart attack’ & ‘myocardial infarction’ on the paperwork… the box was not ticked! By then, that doctor had moved on and I was back to work & didn’t have the energy for the fight to get the box ticked, I’d already cashed out my RRSP’s & ESOP’s to make ends meet at home & pay the bank their interest and at this point I was back to work.

    Healthcare… Not only did the EI system fail me, the healthcare system is a sinking ship as well. Funny story… the healthcare scheduling department accidentally ‘discharged’ my Dads homecare because I cancelled too many appointments when I was home full time with him. I didn’t know that was a thing, no notice, no letter in the mail… So I called to schedule some home support after I’d finally found a job that was willing to work with my situation and help a gal out (some people are a blessing), but surprise, home support was cancelled… Anyway, six phone calls later, they start the process over… Six… Can they not see my Dads file? I mean, each one of those departments asked the same questions, & by the way, none of them have any experience with dementia patients. Re-did his paperwork, re-told his story, wasted an abundance of time & finally got him back in the system for home support services. Side note: They won’t send the same care worker for each visit cuz, well, they just don’t do it that way… I’m sorry but, if a stranger kept coming to my house, it’d be hard enough, but it’s about 1000 times harder for someone with dementia who’s confused af already!

    Education system… also failing… not exactly relevant for me right now, just sayin.

    When calculated, between banks & taxes, I get about 14% of my money… I won’t blame anyone for my credit card debt, me bad… but that is included in the equation. 14%. Meaning 86% goes to banks & governments that are failing miserably… Maybe if some more of that went to education, the systems wouldn’t be failing so miserably…

    So, personally, Banks, Taxes & healthcare are failing me. Now, I want to be a proud Canadian, I really do, but every system is failing me. If I hear one more whiney Conservative who’s bank account is in the black whine about liberals, I might punch them in the face… it was just as bad under them. Unless you have generational wealth, you’re probably not going to make it… I have no faith in any stem of the government at this point… Literally physically nauseous…

    I’m tired, I don’t want a new career I’m going to hate, I don’t want to find passive income, I just need a rest… I can’t afford to rest. My house is falling apart, my Dad is getting worse, I’m trying to balance it all & it’s just too much…

  • My Patience has run out … Log #22

    I say things out loud now & then. Sometimes people consider those words rude, I don’t always think it ‘s rude, but my thoughts have been known to offend. I often feel like I’m just stating the obvious, but I guess, it’s not so obvious always… I’m not a sensitive person, but people are sensitive… I’ve been labeled ‘the person who says what everyone is thinking’ more than once. From that experience, I’ve kind of curbed the things I say out loud just to keep out of the spotlight & try not to offend anyone. I’ve been trying to recognize how other people might see things or sympathize with others situations. But lately, that feeling of wonderment for what people might think about the things i keep to myself has been sneaking up on me…

    I tend to be very aware of my surroundings. I know who’s around me & where all the escape routes are, I pick out safety hazards & am always trying to prevent unnecessary difficulties…I’m good at de-escalating situations if I want to. I can recognize a bully from miles away & will put myself between a bully & others who may need a buffer. My mind naturally finds the fastest route from A to B, I like things uncomplicated, disaster prevention is just how I operate. Never intending complicate the uncomplicated… I problem solve & get confused when people want to ‘piss around’. Watching my Dad lose the ability to bully has actually made me a little bit sad at times. He’s so lost without the ability to intimidate…

    The mean thing i thought today… I wonder if I will realize when I’m not helpful anymore & just hindering situations. This thought has come up at work & with my Dad…

    I work a casual warehouse job & I don’t say much about the process, mostly because I’m casual & I don’t really care… I tend to have patience for co-workers & new staff because, they’re learning, I get it, not everyone’s thought process is like mine, life experience has humbled me… & I usually have the time to sit back and watch them add hours to my paycheck. I don’t like to watch people struggle but I also feel like people learn better when they figure things out for themselves, so, I will offer help, but I also wait for people to ask because I don’t want to embarrass anyone, so, there’s a chance I overthink this… But, lately, I find myself digging deep for patience when people are slowing things down, I’m actually grinding my teeth to keep from shoving people out of my way to do things myself. Have you ever worked for managers who just hinder the process?? I worry when I’m not at home with my Dad & I want things to move along relatively quickly but I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings (management or not)…… Frustration Maximum!

    The place I work has been taken over by new owners & it’s the classic workplace tug-o-war between new owners & old management. I’ve seen enough company buy outs to recognize the signs. I was actually kind of impressed the new owners were interested in learning the process & asking questions, but old management has fought them the entire way… they’re discussing staging a walk out & I think possibly actively sabotaging & slowing things down… I’m grateful to ‘old management’ as they have let me work casual shifts & been understanding when I have to leave because of Dad. I just can’t wrap my head around this new drama… Obviously they must feel threatened right? I genuinely feel like the new owners want to be helpful. I just don’t think ‘old management’ understands that a lot of the current staff wanted some things to change & it’ll be a pretty lonely walk out… They haven’t exactly been the best listeners & they definitely don’t like to hear any suggestions. In fact, if you’re not ‘in the family’ they don’t care much for your thoughts…

    ‘Old management’ decided to head out on vacation during the busiest time of year… leaving everyone hanging. During this vacation, her son-in-law got fired by new management. What a show! Jerry Macquire style exit scene… had there been a gold fish… it would have went with him for sure… excellent… The ‘family’ is fired up! I am highly anticipating the return of old management.

    Then I get home & I have so much to do & my Dad wants to help…. It annoys me that he doesn’t ask if I need help, just kind of “helps”. Which is weird because when he was functioning and cognitive, he certainly didn’t want to help…. Anyway, he slows things down a lot & again my mind wanders off to thoughts like “will i realize when I’m in the way?” I don’t know when I started feeling annoyed like this. Normally, I like to tire Dad out with activities, I wait patiently while he does tasks & then fix it when he’s not looking. Every garbage day is the same. I take the bins out, he brings them in still full, so, soon as he’s not looking, I run them back out. Or, if he doesn’t bring them in, he turns them around the wrong way so the truck arm can’t grab them & proceeds to explain to me that they have to go that way for the truck to pick them up…so, i wait until he’s not looking &I run out & turn them around the right way… Normally, I just do these things without feeling, often laughing really. Maybe my lack of patience is a holiday seasonal problem type thing…

    I don’t like feeling this impatient at work and at home… will be doing some reflection…

  • What Grinds my Gears… Today anyway… Log #20

    My Biggest pet peeve, humans who complicate uncomplicated situations.

    & loud mouthy breathers…

    Example: Lawyers… lawyers convince people to plead guilty to things they are not guilty for to get a lesser punishment for the thing they didn’t do… and not guilty to things they did do because, well, they have money & can afford the expensive lawyer… It’s BullShit…Bless the humans who uncomplicate complicated situations… you’re my people. Although, there seems to be more complicators than uncomplicators…

    I have been de-escalating my family since the day I popped out of the womb. They are complicators. Well, technically it started 2 weeks later when i was picked up by my adopted family. As an adopted human, I’ve been wondering if other adopted people sometimes just get mad at their biologicals for leaving them with the crazy family they were adopted by.

    Today I thought to myself “I’m so glad I have good genes from my bio folks or I may never have survived my crazy co-dependant loved ones”… no? just me? ok… I am nothing like anyone I was raised by… I think I’ve spent a lot of time looking for similarities in strangers, facial features, thoughts, mannerisms… I still do it, although I’ve met my birth mom, i will never meet my bio Dad… I have been so afraid to accidentally date a sibling!! for real…

    Some days, I can get pretty darn petty… My birth mom was too young to have me and I understand that, but her parents were rich! & they gave me to the trailer park people! They sent me to the alcoholic father (35 years sober) with the insecure, mentally abused wife… I mean, the trailer park people clothed me & fed me & my mother loved us unconditionally & what not… & growing up near the ocean was amazing… However, I am ready to be a Nepo baby!! I’ve been humbled ok, a lot, I’ve struggled & am still working really hard & I’ve decided… I want to have been born into money, lot’s of it, and be ignorant to the suffering of others and be handed everything! I’m ready! Gimme…

  • Accountability… Log #14

    If you’re over 30 & you look back at you’re younger years & don’t think you did anything wrong, you’re probably an asshole, or maybe just an idiot…

    I like to think i’m the kind of person who hold’s myself accountable for the mistakes I made when I was younger. I can definitely look back and say I did some manipulative asshole things in my twenties. I keep hearing these new phrases like gaslight which is literally trying to convince someone they didn’t see something that happened right in front of their own eyes… Like that Shaggy song ‘It wasn’t me’. I listen to that song these days & think “SHE SAW YOU STUPID!”

    I actually think in doing some crappy things of my own I’ve adapted & learned that I can pick out some of these behaviours from miles away. I can recognise these behaviours in other souls almost instantly sometimes. I can’t even tell you how many times my gut has proven to be right over the years. If you ever get that gut feeling, you know the one, listen to it.

    Accountability has become one of the most important things I look for in other people & in myself. A very blunt woman who I now highly respect once told me to ‘just stop being so fake’. She called me T.F. out & it stuck. I feel like from then on, If my actions lit the match that burned the house down, I owned that! Sometimes at work, I would even own up to other peoples mistakes just to get things moving forward because I noticed in doing so, staff meetings would move along much faster. It’s actually kind of amazing how some people can get stuck on ‘the blame game’ for things that are often irrelevant when looking at the big picture… who fucking cares…

    I’ve accepted that their are some humans I will never get an apology from, but if I ever caused you pain, I’m sorry. I tried opening up to my daughter about the things I felt I did wrong as a young mother, but she was a pre-teen & so angry at me by the time I had this epiphany. I used smart ass comments in an attempt to reverse psychology people at home and at work & i realised that’s not a great method for everyone. My Dad never figured that one out as has lost all relationships with pretty much everyone since my Mom divorced him… My advice, say sorry as soon as you can…

    My brother has this ‘friend’ he’s known for 20 years. Unlike myself, my brother craves human acceptance and a friend group. I can’t understand it, I prefer solitude, however, he’s always needed that human contact. He has this one girl he’s known for twenty or so years who seems to have stuck around but I’m so tired of her using him as door mat for her baggage. She manipulates him because she knows he’s not going anywhere & I feel like she’s ‘back-burnered’ him. Which means he’s that guy she picks up after it goes sideways with alcoholic, drug addict number 92 (not judging that part, get it girl). But the fact that it’s my brother who isn’t fully there mentally, bothers me! I don’t know my brothers exact diagnosis, too many different doctors, medications & facilities, but we know he’s not all there mentally. What kind of adult bullies mentally challenged people? Seriously, some body tell me? Because it happens, & if I catch someone doing it, they’re on my list…

    Now, I know this girl is going though a lot mentally & physically. But I am so tired of her taking advantage of my brother & using him as a doormat! I can’t tell her this directly because my brother tells me to just stay out of it, so I do. He gets upset and says she’s his only friend. I’ve even noticed her being snotty to him when he meets other potential friends, it’s weird! My brother doesn’t pick up on much sarcasm or social cues which makes it difficult to help him understand what she is doing. So at this point I am just gently trying to coax him into meeting other people & joining some mental health groups… It is a different kind of heart-wrenching to watch someone you love get taken advantage of knowing they don’t understand & you can’t do anything, which is another reason I think I grew out of my shitty behaviour, & I do hope she grows out of hers, but if I could slap that hoe………

    I want to make it clear that I don’t think mental or medical conditions are an excuse in any way to use other humans or animals as physical or emotional punching bags. Now, while I want everyone to forgive themselves for the things they did wrong before they knew better, if you do mess up & take your anger or sadness out on another person, just apologise. Be honest & hold yourself accountable. No one should have to listen to the excuses of ‘why’ you felt like you could treat them like they’re disposable. You’re allowed to make mistakes, but you’re obligated to own them & not constantly repeat them!

    Honesty, Integrity, Accountability… Give it a try…

  • Still Got it at Forty… Log #12

    I may be chasing my cheese with laxatives & chasing my coffee with antacids, but I still got it!

    After my own personal great depression which was the year known as 2024, I decided to go back to school & take some courses. I completed my basic accounting levels 1 & 2, passed with flying colours! I also took a Women in Trades program! Here’s what I learned… I don’t want to be an accountant & I don’t want to be a woman in trades…

    After feeling like a failure for about as long as I can remember lately, I did realise the validation of succeeding at these 2 things is something i desperately needed for myself. If you are a lady & aren’t sure what you want to do with yourself at any age, take a women in trades sampler program! I learned so much! Even just some basic electrical, plumbing, mechanical & welding skills that are valuable in everyday life. I may not have found my calling but most of the ladies in the course did find a niche & the age ranged from 18 to 63. I was lucky enough to take the class with an awesome group of women, some very cool teachers. & I realised I can still make new friends. You can do it!

    Looking back I realised that as a mother, I generally felt like I was failing but I was always good at my job. Maybe I focused more on my job because I had the validation of being good at something when I should have been focused on my daughter. I always thought I was doing a good job balancing both but maybe i didn’t…? I can’t change it now, but if you’re a mother & reading this journal entry, take that thought into consideration. I have a ton of regrets but my biggest regret is not spending more time with my kid.

    I haven’t told my family that I passed yet because they tend to belittle success & things i’m proud of so, i’m writing it here. I wish I could tell my daughter but she’s busy hating me… but it won’t be getting me down today!

    What next? I have a part time job right now at an Amazon warehouse so I will be working my ass off there to save up for driving across Canada. Also, I found a psychology course that i might start online. I’ve always personally felt like I don’t quite fit. Human behaviour has often been a puzzle to me & I may try to solve the ongoing mystery of the human thought process…

    It’s a good day 🙂

  • It’s hard to be a Hoe in a Small Town… Log #11

    I mean, former Hoe.

    If you’re young, just know, when you are promiscuous in a small town, it catches up. I’ve never been a very judgemental person when it comes to sex. Not now & not then. I believe in the ‘live & let live’ lifestyle in any aspect as long as you aren’t causing harm to yourself, other people or spreading disease. Some of my best friends are swingers, former hookers, have OnlyFans accounts. They make up some of my favourite humans & are definitely never a bore! Although, If you ever hurt animals, children or literally anyone weaker than you, i’m judging, oh, I am judging…

    I’ve been a good person, a bad person, the victim & the villain. I’ve lived most days just trying to get by. Since turning forty I’ve been trying to figure out a purpose or at least find something that brings me joy. I don’t want to just survive anymore. I’m in my ‘let it go’ phase, selfish phase, find a reason to get out of bed phase. It’s difficult because I feel guilty about being selfish & working on myself knowing what is happening in this world. But, when you find yourself in a position unable to help anyone, all you can do is your best to not make it worse. Recycle, Reduce, Reuse & what not…

    For the majority of my time on earth so far, I just angrily & anxiously moved through life pretending I wasn’t angry & anxious. I promise you, it gets harder to hide as time goes on. I felt like I was on my own always & my self esteem was so low the perverts, pedos & predators could sniff me out from miles away. It’s made me feel very protective of young people going through anything even remotely similar to my experiences with men as a young girl. Rumour has it that if you learn from other peoples experiences, you don’t have to learn everything the hard way. This apparently involves listening, absorbing the information provided & applying empathy. I’m still experimenting with this notion…we shall see…

    I did good things & dumb hurtful things & all the things I thought you’re supposed to do as a human. Finished high school, wasted money on post secondary education, had a kid, bought a house, wracked up credit card debt and a vehicle debt & suffered the stress of financial burden because well… that’s what old people did when i was young. Good luck in this economy to future generations… Yikes.

    I will say that I am sorry to anyone I hurt when I was a toxic person & didn’t know better. No excuse, just sorry. I broke a few hearts, but men were disposable to me for a long time. I enjoyed the chase. I liked the attention & I usually didn’t care when they evaporated. I didn’t need one for financial reasons, after all, I had my own career, home, vehicle, daughter. I wanted to find a guy, I saw Disney movies, it looked nice… but also didn’t really need one. Which is quite a conundrum when you’re attracted to toxic misogynistic douche bags. They weren’t all bad, but, back then, in the words of my best best friend “I chewed up & spat out the nice ones”

    The only serious relationship I’d managed to get myself into in my twenties was with an extremely suffocating cruel, abusive man. He would scream things at me about being a whore & force sex on me. He’d say, ‘why else would I need a girlfriend if not for sex’? He would corner me & restrain me which in his mind was ok because he wasn’t hitting me. I think, maybe, I thought the abuse was love at the time, To Be Clear, It is NOT! He was so intense, i’d threaten to leave, he’d fall apart & beg, round & round it’d go… & I would never argue with the whore part, I mean, i’d had a few partners before him & he told me no one else would want to be with me due to the ol whore past & other cruel things… I couldn’t yet fathom it was ok to just be alone. I put myself through it for three years blindly hoping I was shielding my daughter from the situation (how dumb can a girl be). & then one day, the epiphany struck, I came home from work & there he was, this short, balding man, wife beater t-shirt, ripped underwear, one sock on, sitting in this broken recliner that he refused to part with & he was dunking plain, deep fried chicken wings in Frank’s Red Hot Sauce & I looked at him. I really looked at him, sauce on his face and chair and the wall behind him, deep fried oil smells in the air, I literally, in that moment, just no longer cared. I had still been paying my own bills, some of his, still taking care of my daughter alone, taking care of him & i realised he was just this huge burden covered in sauce & all that was left was pity… I still can’t stand Franks red hot sauce… Sorry Frank… it’s not your fault…

    Oddly, to look on one bright side, living in Canada through your hoe phase / abusive relationship phase is kinda beneficial. Even if your doctor is a judgemental bastard, abortion is legal & you can do as many paps, std screenings & blood tests you want for free! ‘Free’ meaning tax dollars, just to clarify. Nothing is ever really free.

    My daughter made the first half of life worth it for me, but, with my daughter still alienating me from her life, since turning forty there’s been an intense desire to find some sort of purpose for the second half. I’ve been trying to make a new start. I quit my soul sucking job in customer service & have been focusing on some post-secondary education. I’ve been doing this journal. I even go out on the town once in awhile, which if you read my last journal entry, you’ll know I tend to run into problems from my former self. I find myself running into my old flings & my old flings current partners. I catch myself thinking things like, you poor thing, your lil fella only lasts 12 seconds…or, she’s a lucky lady, husband shags like a gigolo! Or, feeling sad for her knowing that the husband is a greasy cheating snake. Either way, i’m like “woohoo dick sistas for life” Yayyyy! I highly doubt they see it the same way. On the flip side, I often feel sorry for some of these ladies because they are awesome & I think to myself, how did he get her? she’s amazing! Maybe she doesn’t know yet it’s ok to be alone? Should I tell her? Especially when the guy is like… Ew… ya know? Ya, I slept with him, but you’re actually stuck with him…You would think that I’m the one who should be embarrassed or feeling shame right, because I never ‘landed’ the guy? Well, I don’t, I’ve just come to realise I dodged a bullet … a lot of bullets…a lot of sperm bullets…Thank Odin for birth control!

    There actually was this one interesting scenario where a very dear friend of mine’s married business partner kept dm’ing me & hitting on me & i kept brushing it off. I guess this man heard i was a hoe & thought i’d be an easy target. This friend of mine though had literally saved my life. He was going through some personal problems at the time & I didn’t want to cause any work drama for him on top of it so, I tolerated this a little longer than I normally would have at that time. But, I did get tired of the business partners advances & in an attempt to avoid the entire situation, I thought, instead of blocking him, i’ll tell this man I was actually a lesbian & just wasn’t interested, no muss, no fuss, we’ll all stay friends right… I even had a girlfriend ready to be my lesbian lover just in case. I really just wanted him to fuck off… So what does this man proceed to do? He sends me naked pictures of his wife!! & she was fucking beautiful! Literally stunning! What the hell was he messaging me for!?! Not the point… but still… Sometime after that, she started coming into my old place of work & i’d hide in the bathroom… because… whaaaat? Small towns…

    The way i was raised, it was always implied that you are supposed to compete with other females for the lead roles at work or compete for dick (aka potential husband) or whatever. That outdated way of thinking definitely made me a toxic mother for my daughter & a toxic being for other women sometimes. Only, in an interesting twist, I’ve become one of those women who fiercely wants to protect other women. Maybe too late for my kid but I will always try to correct that behaviour, own it & apologise for it. I will tell women when their significant other’s have made passes at me. It’s difficult sometimes, you can lose friends, even with evidence like screenshots showing you didn’t do anything wrong. I had a women once blame me for her boyfriend dm’ing me. I had a woman tell me ‘it’s my fault’ when I’ve been hit on by a man in a relationship. It’s confusing. It’s the reason for the wrinkle between my eyebrows. So, with all due respect & love, you gaslighting bitches… stop it, don’t gaslight me & especially don’t gaslight yourself…

    I face things head on, it’s just what I do. But some of these things really make ya want to pack up & go where you know nothing about anyone. Maybe I will…