Holly's Not Real

Tag: motherhood

  • My Daughter’s Birthday…Log #18

    I still haven’t had any contact with my daughter since she slammed the door in my face… other than that interesting day, it’s been over a year… the time line is kind of blending at this point & life continues on. But some days, it hits hard, yesterday she turned 21.

    I never ever would’ve imagined not having a relationship with my one and only offspring ever, I felt like we were always in sync & I can’t force the relationship, but I did send a few birthday gifts and write a letter, mostly small talk of course with an IOU for Vegas because that was the plan for her 21st… obviously. The good news is, she did respond to a Happy Birthday text from my partner, so, yay! Felt like a teeny tiny win…

    She’s also had a baby baby girl which I’ve yet to meet. A beautiful baby girl that, from photos, looks EXACTLY like she did. Her stepmom is still doing her best to keep me in the loop… Thanks step-baby-momma…

    I’ve been given some odd advice over time, well, advice I felt was odd… The one that sticks out the most was from My daughters partners mother. She told me, in no uncertain terms, find out what you did wrong and apologize. The word ‘YOU’ stuck… because I did, I attempted contact, communication, apologies, texts, calls, letters… you name it. So after feeling like everything was my fault for a very long time, i had an epiphany… what if, her son, is a twatwaffle? the regurgitated shit that comes from a fly?… a jizz bubble that should’ve been swallowed? But also, what if he’s that guy who’s so insecure he tries to eliminate other loving relationships his spouse has?? & my daughters so young, still learning, still insecure, that she buys it…

    I mean the boy comes by it honestly, being raised to believe he can do no wrong. The kid has been accountable for nothing & his mother has manipulated all 4 of her children to think their dads are the devil, well, I met the Dad & I’ll tell ya, he put up a good fight against the toxic mother, & he was definitely not the problem… He is proof that a sundress on a hot summer day can definitely ruin a mans life… (apologies, off-track, the alienated father is not todays topic, the alienated grandmother is)… I’m blessed to have constant reassurance from friends & family reminding me how close my daughter and i were & that those babies are missing out on an awesome grandmother experience…

    The situation reminds me of a fella I dated when I was young who used interesting tactics to alienate me from my closest friends and family… I’m starting to think that little boy, the baby-daddy of my grandchildren, this ‘fiancé’ of my daughter, sees me as competition & is doing things to manipulate my daughter out of my life… & frankly, I like it. Because if the day comes where she wants to escape this ‘Man’, I will be more than happy to punch back…

    It’s a lot of what if’s, but if I’m right, be ready for the I told ya’ll journal entry cuz, it’ll be a good one…

    … With that said… something I’ve never ever budged on is the belief kids need to know both of their parents, therefore, the timeline for his suffering is to be determined…

    Peace, love, light, Karma… Bitches!

  • Love from the Unloved… Log #16

    I can’t even explain the helpless feeling you get watching your daughter make those choices you can’t stop.

    They don’t hear you.

    She’s chosen an entire support system that is everything I feared. They encourage the toxic behaviour that brought us all together 20 years ago. I changed & they did not. My daughter’s dad never owned up to anything a day in his life. He never said he was sorry for being the 21 year boy old who picked up the 15 year old girl. No matter how hard I tried to co-parent & encourage my kid to have a relationship with her dad all he ever did was play the blame game. He was never there for her when she was school age or younger & he blames me for that. If he didn’t get his way he would get mad and act like I was trying to ruin his life instead of thinking ‘maybe she’s doing this for our kid’.

    The truth is my door was wide open to him & his family and I kept them informed of everything, school, health, all of it. My daughter got salmonella once and i stayed in the hospital with her for twelve days, he showed up for a solid twenty minutes (actually still bitter about that one). I was so open with my daughter about how toxic I was when she was a baby & the changes I made & the relentless apologies… so, yes, it is amazing to me that my daughter is behaving just like her father. Acting like a victim & making people feel sorry for her by painting me as some kind of villain…

    It’s numbing.

    I used to believe that kids need to know both their parents but lately all I feeI is bitterness and regret for pushing her to have a relationship with her Father… None of them would be doing the same for me…

    I’ve been having a real pitty party for myself lately. I have no blood, no tribe. I’ve always felt somewhat alone, & accepted that. My biological mother gave me up for adoption & I suppose she had valid reasons. We are kind of in touch now, but not in a mother-daughter situation. My biological daughter doesn’t speak to me & she’s cut me off from the grand kids…

    I love my adopted family, but they are co-dependant. I feel like i have been de-escalating my family since childhood. I developed a strong sense of humour & it’s been a great defence mechanism for a very long time. Lately, my family feels like a lot of work. But, I’ve been taking care of them for as long as i can remember & I won’t stop any time soon.

    My Mom has decided to move away. My Mom is 78 & my brother lives with her. My brother is 42 but mentally about thirteen & this has thrown him into a spiral. I need to find somewhere for him to live so i’m trying to get help from community housing and that is not easy. I also need to line up a realtor & lawyer & banker & pack Mom’s house & move her ten hours away…

    I feel guilty for craving an unshakeable blood bond. I know my adopted Mom wants this for me & with me but it’s hard when we are so different. I see these kind of relationships in people around me & some days I get a little jealous. I am strong & independent but I wonder sometimes if it’s only because I’ve always had to be. I can always fall back on me. I am my own security. But some days I wonder what it would feel like to have that bond & support, that feeling of knowing someone can carry the load once in awhile.

    I love them all but I feel unloved.

    I’m tired.