Accountability… Log #14

If you’re over 30 & you look back at you’re younger years & don’t think you did anything wrong, you’re probably an asshole, or maybe just an idiot…

I like to think i’m the kind of person who hold’s myself accountable for the mistakes I made when I was younger. I can definitely look back and say I did some manipulative asshole things in my twenties. I keep hearing these new phrases like gaslight which is literally trying to convince someone they didn’t see something that happened right in front of their own eyes… Like that Shaggy song ‘It wasn’t me’. I listen to that song these days & think “SHE SAW YOU STUPID!”

I actually think in doing some crappy things of my own I’ve adapted & learned that I can pick out some of these behaviours from miles away. I can recognise these behaviours in other souls almost instantly sometimes. I can’t even tell you how many times my gut has proven to be right over the years. If you ever get that gut feeling, you know the one, listen to it.

Accountability has become one of the most important things I look for in other people & in myself. A very blunt woman who I now highly respect once told me to ‘just stop being so fake’. She called me T.F. out & it stuck. I feel like from then on, If my actions lit the match that burned the house down, I owned that! Sometimes at work, I would even own up to other peoples mistakes just to get things moving forward because I noticed in doing so, staff meetings would move along much faster. It’s actually kind of amazing how some people can get stuck on ‘the blame game’ for things that are often irrelevant when looking at the big picture… who fucking cares…

I’ve accepted that their are some humans I will never get an apology from, but if I ever caused you pain, I’m sorry. I tried opening up to my daughter about the things I felt I did wrong as a young mother, but she was a pre-teen & so angry at me by the time I had this epiphany. I used smart ass comments in an attempt to reverse psychology people at home and at work & i realised that’s not a great method for everyone. My Dad never figured that one out as has lost all relationships with pretty much everyone since my Mom divorced him… My advice, say sorry as soon as you can…

My brother has this ‘friend’ he’s known for 20 years. Unlike myself, my brother craves human acceptance and a friend group. I can’t understand it, I prefer solitude, however, he’s always needed that human contact. He has this one girl he’s known for twenty or so years who seems to have stuck around but I’m so tired of her using him as door mat for her baggage. She manipulates him because she knows he’s not going anywhere & I feel like she’s ‘back-burnered’ him. Which means he’s that guy she picks up after it goes sideways with alcoholic, drug addict number 92 (not judging that part, get it girl). But the fact that it’s my brother who isn’t fully there mentally, bothers me! I don’t know my brothers exact diagnosis, too many different doctors, medications & facilities, but we know he’s not all there mentally. What kind of adult bullies mentally challenged people? Seriously, some body tell me? Because it happens, & if I catch someone doing it, they’re on my list…

Now, I know this girl is going though a lot mentally & physically. But I am so tired of her taking advantage of my brother & using him as a doormat! I can’t tell her this directly because my brother tells me to just stay out of it, so I do. He gets upset and says she’s his only friend. I’ve even noticed her being snotty to him when he meets other potential friends, it’s weird! My brother doesn’t pick up on much sarcasm or social cues which makes it difficult to help him understand what she is doing. So at this point I am just gently trying to coax him into meeting other people & joining some mental health groups… It is a different kind of heart-wrenching to watch someone you love get taken advantage of knowing they don’t understand & you can’t do anything, which is another reason I think I grew out of my shitty behaviour, & I do hope she grows out of hers, but if I could slap that hoe………

I want to make it clear that I don’t think mental or medical conditions are an excuse in any way to use other humans or animals as physical or emotional punching bags. Now, while I want everyone to forgive themselves for the things they did wrong before they knew better, if you do mess up & take your anger or sadness out on another person, just apologise. Be honest & hold yourself accountable. No one should have to listen to the excuses of ‘why’ you felt like you could treat them like they’re disposable. You’re allowed to make mistakes, but you’re obligated to own them & not constantly repeat them!

Honesty, Integrity, Accountability… Give it a try…