I say things out loud now & then. Sometimes people consider those words rude, I don’t always think it ‘s rude, but my thoughts have been known to offend. I often feel like I’m just stating the obvious, but I guess, it’s not so obvious always… I’m not a sensitive person, but people are sensitive… I’ve been labeled ‘the person who says what everyone is thinking’ more than once. From that experience, I’ve kind of curbed the things I say out loud just to keep out of the spotlight & try not to offend anyone. I’ve been trying to recognize how other people might see things or sympathize with others situations. But lately, that feeling of wonderment for what people might think about the things i keep to myself has been sneaking up on me…
I tend to be very aware of my surroundings. I know who’s around me & where all the escape routes are, I pick out safety hazards & am always trying to prevent unnecessary difficulties…I’m good at de-escalating situations if I want to. I can recognize a bully from miles away & will put myself between a bully & others who may need a buffer. My mind naturally finds the fastest route from A to B, I like things uncomplicated, disaster prevention is just how I operate. Never intending complicate the uncomplicated… I problem solve & get confused when people want to ‘piss around’. Watching my Dad lose the ability to bully has actually made me a little bit sad at times. He’s so lost without the ability to intimidate…
The mean thing i thought today… I wonder if I will realize when I’m not helpful anymore & just hindering situations. This thought has come up at work & with my Dad…
I work a casual warehouse job & I don’t say much about the process, mostly because I’m casual & I don’t really care… I tend to have patience for co-workers & new staff because, they’re learning, I get it, not everyone’s thought process is like mine, life experience has humbled me… & I usually have the time to sit back and watch them add hours to my paycheck. I don’t like to watch people struggle but I also feel like people learn better when they figure things out for themselves, so, I will offer help, but I also wait for people to ask because I don’t want to embarrass anyone, so, there’s a chance I overthink this… But, lately, I find myself digging deep for patience when people are slowing things down, I’m actually grinding my teeth to keep from shoving people out of my way to do things myself. Have you ever worked for managers who just hinder the process?? I worry when I’m not at home with my Dad & I want things to move along relatively quickly but I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings (management or not)…… Frustration Maximum!
The place I work has been taken over by new owners & it’s the classic workplace tug-o-war between new owners & old management. I’ve seen enough company buy outs to recognize the signs. I was actually kind of impressed the new owners were interested in learning the process & asking questions, but old management has fought them the entire way… they’re discussing staging a walk out & I think possibly actively sabotaging & slowing things down… I’m grateful to ‘old management’ as they have let me work casual shifts & been understanding when I have to leave because of Dad. I just can’t wrap my head around this new drama… Obviously they must feel threatened right? I genuinely feel like the new owners want to be helpful. I just don’t think ‘old management’ understands that a lot of the current staff wanted some things to change & it’ll be a pretty lonely walk out… They haven’t exactly been the best listeners & they definitely don’t like to hear any suggestions. In fact, if you’re not ‘in the family’ they don’t care much for your thoughts…
‘Old management’ decided to head out on vacation during the busiest time of year… leaving everyone hanging. During this vacation, her son-in-law got fired by new management. What a show! Jerry Macquire style exit scene… had there been a gold fish… it would have went with him for sure… excellent… The ‘family’ is fired up! I am highly anticipating the return of old management.
Then I get home & I have so much to do & my Dad wants to help…. It annoys me that he doesn’t ask if I need help, just kind of “helps”. Which is weird because when he was functioning and cognitive, he certainly didn’t want to help…. Anyway, he slows things down a lot & again my mind wanders off to thoughts like “will i realize when I’m in the way?” I don’t know when I started feeling annoyed like this. Normally, I like to tire Dad out with activities, I wait patiently while he does tasks & then fix it when he’s not looking. Every garbage day is the same. I take the bins out, he brings them in still full, so, soon as he’s not looking, I run them back out. Or, if he doesn’t bring them in, he turns them around the wrong way so the truck arm can’t grab them & proceeds to explain to me that they have to go that way for the truck to pick them up…so, i wait until he’s not looking &I run out & turn them around the right way… Normally, I just do these things without feeling, often laughing really. Maybe my lack of patience is a holiday seasonal problem type thing…
I don’t like feeling this impatient at work and at home… will be doing some reflection…
Holly's Not Real 
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