The last few months have been absolutely nuts, busy physically & mentally and spiritually. I got a job I loved, got fired from that job. My sister moved in to help with Dementia Dad. My hubby & I moved into the basement suite. My Mom sold her place & bought a new place.
Over the last couple of days, I decided to take a little break and head to some hot springs for a little mental break with my fella, reset the vibes… you know… but a few days before this trip…
T’was the day before my birthday, so naturally, I saw my daughter & my two grandkids in a grocery store. Of course she pretended like i didn’t exist and I pretended it didn’t bother me. It’s been over a year at this point & I was doing ok until I spotted them. I left the store in a hurry with only a tin of coffee and some strawberries & got so flustered I couldn’t figure out the self check out.
I just sat and cried the rest of the day. Then tried to enjoy my birthday the next day with my partner… there was cupcakes & he sang so, that was pretty neat since singing is wayyyyy out of his comfort zone. The effort was not unnoticed.
My daughter decided to send a cryptic message to my partner about the reasons she’s not talking to me. There’s nothing more frustrating than people who talk in circles without actually saying a thing. It seems to me that with more ways to communicate than ever before in the history of the world, communication skills have never been worse…
She wrote, & I quote ‘What I did to her & also what I did to her Dad is the reason I’m not speaking to her’ & ‘our relationship will never be the same’… Which is kind of weird because I absolutely never told my daughter the worst of what her dad has done…But this message chewed at me for days…
My sister was kind enough to remind me that I didn’t imagine the relationship I’d had with my daughter. We were close. We were as in sync as two people can get, we could read each other & communicate with a look… We’d been compared to the ‘Gilmore Girls’ and I felt like we could talk about anything. Finding the balance between friend and parent wasn’t always easy, but I got about as close as anyone can get in that aspect of being a single mother. I was the good cop & the bad cop & the protector & the bread winner & it wasn’t imagined. & I am grateful for that time in my life, it’s like no other relationship on earth…
Anywayyyy…. back to the present… I began a text conversation with the step mother during the trip. Ya, that was dumb, I’m aware…She told me I shouldn’t be angry at her since she’s the only one advocating for me (bullshit). I don’t know how many people have experienced this but have you ever dealt with humans who truly think they are the ‘victims’. To this day, my baby daddy & his merry band of idiots think they are all victims of my evil ways… Muahahahaha!!
Through my awesome texting abilities to ‘poke the bear’, I learned a few things my daughter has been saying about her childhood to her step mom. If what my daughter is saying is true, yes, there is absolutely things we need to work through… But do you remember being 21 (her age now)… maybe trying to manipulate people for sympathy… her father definitely did that & I’m wondering if what my kid is saying is totally accurate, I’ll never know since she won’t look me in the eye… After all the texting with the stepmom however, I feel like the step mommy may be being manipulated and also thinking she’s the hero… I can tell you without a doubt that if rolls were reversed, I’d never allow my daughter to treat them this way. Despite their ‘poor us’ persona, they’re a safe place physically & are probably pretty fun grandparents, I’ve no doubt those kids are spoiled rotten already… (still, fuck those guys).
There is no doubt in my mind I made a ton of mistakes as a young mother, like A LOT. However, my daughter’s definitely not giving the reasons I thought she would. Mindfully, this is only coming from the step mother.
When I say that right now I feel like ‘it’ was all for nothing, I really mean it. Had I known it was going to turn out like this, I would have told the whole paternal family to GO FUCK A CACTUS a lot more. I would’ve even offered up the cactus for them to sit on. Maybe a cactus made of metal containing jellyfish venom at every tip & lube made of hot sauce… In reality though, I would’ve just never talked to any of them, looking back, it really wasn’t worth the frustration or sleepless nights.
I also would’ve taken ever red cent in child support from that prick. My child’s dad continued to borrow money off of me up until about the time he met his wife. Around the age of 5, I decided to serve them papers (which my Dad was quite happy to do for me, ha), when things started to get difficult financially for us, I decided to go for some child support, but I chose to waive the back pay, which was a very pretty chunk of change btw, & accepted less that full support knowing his wife had 2 sons also. But looking back, I should’ve taken every fucking penny since I was recently chastised by the step mother for working full time, but I’m also chastised for taking child support from them so it’s not exactly like I can win that one…
The judge decided to award me child support & full custody with joint guardianship. I’m still thankful for that judge, i think he felt what I was going through & was the 1st person to give me a break…
I’ve decided that I never would’ve made excuses for her Dad every time he never showed up. But no, I kept him & his whole family involved, let them know about every dance recital & health issue & school play. I never wanted her to feel unloved by her father. One time when she was about 15 & I was completely exhausted, I showed my kid a text fight between myself & her Dad. Hailey told them about it & that has become one of the ‘spikes in my coffin’.
Have you ever met people who just find one or two mistakes you made, hold on to them forever & just act like ‘the victim’ until they die, never owing up to anything they did to you. I’ve experienced this wholeheartedly in my personal life & in my professional life & I’m telling ya, this is the cause of violence… That is my daughters entire paternal side of the family & now I’m thinking it’s in the genes because that is who my kid is now, her father, through and through.
I don’t know how to make them understand I never cut him off from my daughter, I cut him off from me. But he’s told people since we split that I took her and ran off, wouldn’t let him see her & that is absolute bullshit. I made sure my door was open to him & his family & they chose not to use it.
I wonder how the stepmom would feel if I told her about the time he asked me to meet him at McDonald’s & he tried to get me back right before their wedding, right there, in the McDonald’s parking lot over McNuggets… Ya, how’d she like that…
As previously discussed in this journal blog, I was in pretty abusive relationship when my daughter was the age of five to about nine. My daughter is claiming that mans daughter (same age as her) had done some very inappropriate things to her and according to the step mom, she’s quite traumatised by it. Again, I can’t discuss this with my kid because she’s still not actually communicating with me. According to my daughter’s step mom & clan, I knew about it & let it happen… Obviously, bullshit.
She’s saying they told me they saw signs and told me & I should’ve taken her to the doctor. & maybe they did & I didn’t listen to them because, well, they made my life pretty hard for really no reason when my kid was younger. She had been wetting the bed (the kid, not the stepmom) when visiting her Dad and they wanted me to take her to the doctor, when I discussed it with the doctor she mentioned a lot of kids do that with the stress of going between 2 homes & she hadn’t been wetting the bed at my home so I left it at that.
It blows my mind that they think I wouldn’t have done something if I suspected my daughter was being abused or hurt, it also blows my mind they didn’t push harder if they really thought something was happening, call social services on me, send a cop, sit me down & discuss it with me & my kid (I was always open to normal communication). But they’d called social services on me before just for funzies, so maybe I didn’t take them seriously & neither did social services? I actually ended up on a 1st name basis with social services when my daughter was younger & they eventually sent my ex a letter telling them to stop wasting resources because it was for children who actually needed help… That was a pretty funny moment for me, not gonna lie… But, It’s so hard to know at this point. Is it true? Is it made up for pity? How can I know now?
Be careful who knocks you up ladies because Nature vs Nurture is so real. I am witness to this is many ways, especially as an adopted child. Luckily, feeling sorry for myself is not in my DNA, I constantly search my brain to try & pinpoint what mistakes I made & do my best not to place blame. I’ve even accepted fault for other peoples mistakes just to get on with life.
If ‘poor me’ had a name it’s that whole family. Open the dictionary to ‘poor me’ & their you will find their family portrait…
It feels like nothing good I did matters because, guess what, & this may shock folks, Yes, I made some mistakes. I was quite surprised to learn I’m not a perfect person, i truly thought I was a saint (excuse me, I must take a break to go polish my halo)…..
Holly's Not Real 
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