My mind has been so busy with chaotic thoughts. I think I’ve almost gotten enough sleep the last 2 weeks to start organizing them a teeny bit. It’s extremely hard to throw in ‘positive thinking’ when my brain goes from my own internal struggles to the external struggles of earth. This is why I have pets, out of no where they make me laugh with the silliness that exists with in them…
One topic that’s been stuck on repeat for many, many, many years is my baby-daddy and baby-step-mommy always saying ‘I treated my child like a friend & not a daughter’. I’ve never understood what this meant.
Things I did with my daughter that I would do with a friend: traveled, went to movies, went out to eat, had in depth conversations about life & the future, walked dogs, food fights, swimming, driving… Things I did with my daughter I never do with friends: cuddle, take care of her sick, corrected rude behaviors, went hiking, made her go to school, made her go to her dads, put her in extra curriculars & made her see them to the finish, gave her multivitamins, bought her underwear & then taught her to do laundry and wash said underwear… Things I did with Friends I never did with my daughter: Got drunk rarely, smoked weed occasionally, bitched about my ex & his band of merry idiots (except that one time, see previous log).
I was maybe a little to open with my daughter about my dating life. Not that I ever talked to her about sex or anything like that or gave many details, but I would tell her if I was going out with a guy. In my 20’s I truly believed you were supposed to have a man in your life & I didn’t understand until much later how insane I was for putting up with them… but it took a decade to sink in…
Any time I ask for an example of the behaviors they crucify me for, they just talk in circles… it’s very frustrating… How can I take accountability or defend myself when neither of us know what I did… I’m pretty sure it’s the reason I have the worst ‘wtf’ wrinkle between my eyebrows… I have warned you, a constant state of confusion will do that to a face… Resting bitch face keeps you young…
Does putting trust in your child make you a friend and not a parent? Is that what it was? I had to work full time, I had no choice & I did trust my daughter. I believed her when she told me where she was going and what she was doing. I was a single parent. How can you be a strict, controlling parent when you can’t supervise your children every second. I didn’t have a partner or a co-parent. I talked, in depth, with my daughter more than once about the fact that I had to work and we had to go it at it from a team work perspective sometimes.
We’re definitely not friends at the moment so I guess whatever I did, didn’t work out either way.
Holly's Not Real 
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